Rating the Super Hunks #8: Wally West

I was biking all day and now it hurts to sit down. But I will suffer through it because it is Tuesday and that means:

a) New comics tomorrow!
b) Time to rate a super hunk!

I got some requests for this one. The fastest hunk alive,

Wally West, aka The Flash

Costume/Appearance: The Flash suit has always been one of my favourite superhero costumes, with its crimson and gold colour combo and lightning bolt details. Plus, it's very tight and leaves nothing to the imagination.

Wally basically took Barry's costume, which was great, and eventually made small alterations that made it just a little bit cooler. The two diagonal lightning bolts that meet in the middle is a much more flattering look than the straight across belt that Barry rocked. And removing the wings from the boots is a step in the right direction. Also, those big yellow boots are awesome.



I'm going to go on record right now and say that I don't like the shiny suit. You can wear a bright red hooded leotard with lightning bolts sticking out of the sides of your head, but you start making that shit shiny and it's just tacky. The little ear decorations should be metal, and the rest should be matte. That's a nice-looking costume.

I actually don't know how sexy the Wally West Flash costume is, really. I mean, it's got Jay Garrick's beat by a country mile, but still...

Yeah. It's pretty good. You have to be pretty damn fit to wear that thing and make it not look ridiculous.

Without the costume, Wally is reasonably good-looking. He gets my vote for sexiest Flash. He's also one of the few red-headed heroes. He's got nice enough features. Green eyes, good jaw line. Whatever. He's no Bruce Wayne. His head is kinda small for his body.

7/10

Personality: This section used to be called Alter-Ego, but some heroes don't have one. 'Personality' is more inclusive.

Wally took on the mantle of The Flash when he was about 20 years old, so he's always had a young, boyish charm thing going for him. In the Flash comics, he's a bit of a smart ass, but nothing compared to the way he's portrayed in the Justice League cartoons and related comics.

To be honest, I always found Wally to be kind of boring. I like his friends more. He's just your typical nice guy who's good to his mother, married a nice girl, had a couple of kids, and vibrated at the same speed as the Speed Force or something to stop Superboy and help save the world before disappearing to an alternate Earth. Nothing really to write home about.

It should be noted, though, that Wally has gotten a lot of action in the comics. And by that, I mean sexy action. Dude has been around.

7/10

Day Job: He doesn't really have one, except when he lost his memory and was an auto mechanic for the KCPD. Auto mechanics are pretty macho. I like that he won the lottery once. That kept him comfortable for awhile.

This guy has gotten struck by lightning and has won the lottery. Jesus.

7/10

Sexiness of Powers: He's really, really fast. Is that sexy? It's actually kind of freaky.

I guess it keeps him happy. And it's hotter than, say, not having super speed.

7/10

Cons: Wally can be a real dick sometimes. Like when poor Kyle became the new Lantern. He was also kind of a punk kid, but who wasn't, really? I can't hold that against him.

But I am holding the treatment of Kyle against him. Stupid Wally.

OH, and how about losing ALL of your lottery winnings in the stock market, Wally? Not cool.

- 3

Final Score: 25/40

Wally got 7/10 across the board, and I think that makes sense. He's a solid 7. Nothing to be ashamed about.

Bat Tractor!

Best. Batmobile. Ever.

Attention Music-Lovers!

This post has nothing to do with comics. I am hoping some of you music-lovers might be able to help me out.

This summer my band, The Stolen Minks, is going on tour across Canada. The whole country. Canada, as you may know, is, like, really big. Really, really big. So it's a whole lot of driving. We need mix CDs. Good ones. All kinds of different ones. If I am the only one making them, there will just be Loverboy on every single one.

So, here's what I propose: if you are one of those types who enjoys making mix CDs, you can make me one and mail it to me, and I will mail you one back. And I'll try not to put Loverboy on it.

If you'd like to help, just send me an email at rachellegoguen at gmail dot com. Our musical interests are varied. We love everything from the most misogynistic and profane hip-hop to the whiniest of indie nerds. From way old music to music that hasn't even been invented yet.

I'll be posting a full list of tour dates as soon as they are all confirmed, in case any of you want to see me do the other thing I am famous for. If you happen to be in a Canadian city, that is. We'll be leaving on July 18.

Our route (starting in the East):

Superman's Sexy Jungle Adventures

If ever you are trapped in the jungle with someone, make sure it's Superman. Even without his powers. And you should try not being a total bitch.

No, Superman. She doesn't.

I'm not saying that Superman doesn't deserve Lois's crap. I mean, he's dealt out more than his fair share. And I do appreciate that Lois has no problem talking smack to Superman. At one point in this comic I thought that Superman wasn't going to take it anymore:

It turned out to not be as dark a moment as it seemed. Superman merely wanted to build a nice shelter for her.

Dude, that is pretty impressive. And how much do I love that he stripped half naked so he could give Lois his cape and shirt?

A lot.

This is where things get sexy:

Seriously, folks. It does not get hotter than that. That's steamy stuff for 1964. And did you know that Kryptonians don't have nipples?

But wait! There's more! Watch and marvel as our shirtless and freshly-shaved hero battles a poisonous snake!

What a man, indeed!

Take that, snake! You thought you were gonna take a bite out of Superman, but instead...KRRUNCH! I hope you like milkshakes, snake!*

So there you go. Sexiest comic ever. Except maybe this one:


* I hope Superman takes that poor snake back to the Fortress of Solitude zoo and feeds it milkshakes.

This Week's Haul: Long Live Captain America

I scanned the list of new titles this week and was a little let down. Nothing beginning with 'Super,' 'Bat,' 'Justice,' or 'Green.' But that doesn't mean there weren't any good comics this week. Far from it. Let's have a look see...

The Spirit #6

You have to look at that cover for a long time to fully appreciate how incredibly awesome it is.

I love it when my interests overlap. So obviously an issue of The Spirit that involves an all-girl rock band is going to make me very happy.

It's like looking into a mirror!

Anyway, this comic rules and everybody knows it.

Oh, Denny. You're lucky you have women around you all the time.

I liked watching him easily beat up an entire club full of punk fans:

Ha! Take that, punks!

I really can't wait for next month's Summer Special. The cover makes it look like sexy good times.

Wonder Woman #9

This was a really nice-looking issue, thanks to the Dodsons and Alex Sinclair. I liked the washed-out colouring.

The humour is often kind of awkward in this series, but there were a couple of little jokes in this one that made me laugh. There's a cute little Batman/Superman scene here:

And a fun exchange between Wonder Woman and Circe:

But Nemesis seriously needs to shut up. I know that Picoult is probably aiming for a Han Solo-style cocky-yet-charming-and-sexy character with him, but he really is awful. I mean, really:

He's, like, 13 years old. The sexual tension between he and Wonder Woman is making me sad. It's like watching your best friend fall for a complete jackass. Don't do it, Diana! You can do so much better! Seriously! You're Wonder Woman! God, Booster Gold would be better. Plastic Man would be better!

Anyway, yeah. The Amazons are still attacking.

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man Annual #1

I love annuals. I can't say no to one. I also like stories from the villain's POV. Sandman is all the rage these days, so Marvel decided to cash in with a brand new origin story written by Peter David and drawn by Ronan Cliquet.

This story gets into Sandman's childhood, which is a pretty depressing story. His abusive dad walked out, leaving him with his alcoholic mom. He gets beat up in school, until he stands up for himself and eventually becomes a big tough guy/football star. Then he turns to a life of crime, starting with the throwing of a couple of football games to help his friend make some quick money. I thought this was pretty funny:

He ends up in jail with...his old man! And we get a twist on why he named himself Flint Marko:

Oh, um. 'Flint' was the last name of his favourite grade school teacher.

It's a good read with nice art. And, like I said, I'm a sucker for villain stories. There's also a very touching back-up about a homeless little girl who loves Spider-Man. Her unconscious body is found by her hero and he takes her to the hospital, where she dies. Actually, this comic is a total downer. But she has some really beautiful dreams while she's unconscious, drawn by Colleen Doran:
Annuals!

Countdown Week 49

Elastic Lad Jimmy!

Well, that's exciting.

I also enjoyed this exchange between Red Arrow and Karate Kid:

Oh, Roy. As if a guy from the 31st century is going to get your stupid reference. Kids from this century don't even get that. KK definitely came out the victor in that battle of wits with his "the other five were actually in the history books" burn.

Hey, some sort of Black Adam is back!

Sklutch!

I dunno...is this some sort of alternate Earth Black Adam, or did he figure out his new magic word.

We get another piece of the Pied Piper mystery, and it's a very cute one:

Man, I just think that's adorable.

And finally we get some more Monitor chat:

Yeah. That's how I feel about the Toronto Maple Leafs. (zing!)

Hey look! It's Kyle! He's gonna get killed!

I'm glad they are doing a history of the multiverse back-up, because I can really use it. I am a real multiverse flunky. I need, like, puppets to explain it to me.

Birds of Prey #106

Rad cover. This issue had a big ol' sexy fight between the BoP and the Secret Six.

It was every bit as much fun as that sounds.

I like a little sexual tension between heroes and villains:

Oh, those two.

This was actually a really fantastic comic. Every tough lady ever in one big royal rumble. I love Barda and Manhunter being in this book. Fun times!

Marvel Adventures Iron Man #1

Yay! Another fun all-ages Marvel series!

I like that Stark Industries = Apple:

This was a lot of fun to read. It's just nice to have a comic where Tony Stark isn't a complete douche. Plus, the art is fantastic:

Yay! Iron Man is cool again!

Robin #162

A big A+ on this month's cover. That looks great!

This issue wrapped up a storyline that I wasn't too excited about. I just love Tim Drake so much, though. Batman wishes he was Tim Drake when he was Tim's age. The kid is awesome.

The highlight of this issue for me was Alfred rumpling Tim's hair:

Captain America #26

Oh man, this comic was so goooooooooooooood.

So, this is our first issue of Captain America, sans Captain America. You would think that wouldn't work, but you just have to trust in Brubaker. He makes everything all right.

I mean, look at this awesomeness:

Man, I really like seeing Tony Stark get slapped across the face.

Yeah, so at the top there we get the very interesting revelation that the Super Soldier Serum left Steve's body after he was killed, reducing him to that skinny weakling he was when he first joined the army. It also makes him look very much like Christ on the cross, which I am sure is no accident (Tony...Captain America died for your sins). I loved Sharon blurting out "What did I do?"

I loved the wake. I loved Rick Jones saying that he was going to be playing a set at the wake. I loved the secret wake with Team Cap members afterwards. And I loved that my new boyfriend, Winter Soldier, is back and ready to kick the ass of anyone who so much as looks at him. Dude is pissed, and he's found a new target:

I really love how we get that clip of Tony's attempted speech at the funeral. It's really very moving. But I can see why Bucky's angry. I do feel for Tony, though. As messed as his methods were, he had good intentions, and he's probably more broken up about Cap's death than anyone. Because he was totally in love with him. And who could blame him?

I also want to say that Bucky's new leather jacket is a brilliant costuming decision:

That looks so dope. It brings back the best element of Bucky's old costume.

I LOVE YOU WINTER SOLDIER! You should grow your hair out again!