A very special memorial edition of Rating The Super Hunks.
Captain America, aka Steve Rogers
Costume/Appearance: I'm not saying that Cap's costume isn't great, I'm just saying it isn't sexy. At all. I mean, seriously.
It looks like he's about to get shot out of a cannon.
From the swashbuckling bright red boots to the little wings coming out of his head, this suit is a total nightmare in terms of hotness. He really does look ridiculous. My favourite thing about it is the way he wears his giant heavy shield on his back. That's very manly.
He's got a great body, no question, but this is just not the way to decorate it. Superman looks at this suit and says "Wow. That's a tacky costume. You've gotta tone that shit down."
That said, I love how seeing the suit always makes Americans in the comics swell with pride to the point that it brings tears to their eyes. And, honestly, I sort of feel it too. And I'm Canadian.
But it's still not sexy.
Alter-Ego: Steve Rogers is not a lot of fun.
He's a military man, through and through, and he doesn't crack a lot of jokes. He does have a blind, naive patriotism that is very charming, though. He also has an adorable fish-out-of-water thing going for him, in that he lived most of his life in the 1930s, and still clings a little to those days.
He's got a sweet, government-supplied apartment. And a big record collection. He likes big band swing music (again, adorable). His clothing is simple, and he's often sporting a tight, white t-shirt. Always a good choice.
He's a square-jawed, blue-eyed rugged all-American with a no-nonsense haircut. I'm sure some people are into that, but it doesn't really do it for me. He's reasonably dreamy, but not Bruce Wayne dreamy. Or even Ted Kord dreamy. He does have excellent taste in women though. And he's a fearless, noble hero who selflessly defends the lives of others. I guess that's pretty sexy.
Day Job: Captain America's day job is...being Captain America. At least nowadays. I liked it in the late 70s/early 80s when he was a graphic designer. It's just so amusing that Captain frigging America would have to find time to finish ad proofs. I also just liked that he happened to be a good drawer. It had nothing to do with his powers. Like, Clark Kent is a reporter because it suits his Superman lifestyle. Ditto with Peter Parker. But Captain America as a designer? That job would just be a pain in the ass.
But he's not a graphic designer anymore, unfortunately. He's a full-time hero.
Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I'm going to give him a 5 out of 10 on this one because I can't decide if not having a day job is good or bad.
Sexiness of Powers: Captain America was chemically altered during WWII to be the "perfect man" (crazy scientist guy's words, not mine). He's strong, fast, smart, tough, and agile. These are all good things. He also can throw a giant heavy shield like a boomerang, ride a motorcycle like nobody's business, and surf on a fighter jet.
Really, you can't argue that Cap's powers aren't sexy. He's pretty much fully loaded with perfect traits and abilities.
Yup. That's gonna earn him a solid ten.
Cons: Well...he's dead. That's a definite minus. Actually, I'm going to overlook that little detail. Particularly because his last words were so dreamy:
And female comic readers the world over swooned and fainted.
I don't think Cap's going to lose too many points here. I mean, sure, he's no fun at all, and he did kind of bitch out at the end of Civil War, but he really doesn't have many glaring flaws. Other than being dead and all. Sometimes he even loosens up a little:
With sexy results!
I'll take off one point for being boring.
Final Score: 23/40
Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, even in a super-sexy picture like this, he still looks pretty silly: