Monday, January 07, 2008

Rating the Super Hunks #18: Iron Man

This is for everyone (including me) who wanted to bump Booster Gold out of the bottom spot on the list of rated super hunks. I give you the man you love to hate, the decidedly unsexy

IRON MAN, aka TONY STARK

Costume/Appearance: Tony Stark looks like the douchebag that he is, with his dochebag goatee.

His armor, however, is sweet. Very sweet. Costume on, he is one of my favourite looking super heroes. But he also looks like a robot.

Are robots sexy? No. Well, kinda...but in the way that a Lotus Elise is sexy.

Yeah. I'd hit that.

Anyway, the armor is real nice. And Tony designed and built it himself. So that's something. Plus...it hides his face.


Maybe I am being a little hard on him in the looks department. I mean, I guess he's got a dashing classic Hollywood kinda look about him. And he clearly works out.

For my money, though, he looked better in the old days with his pencil moustache. And when he was sexily pulling up his stockings.


5/10

Personality:
Well, let's see...he's a giant douche. And a recovering alcoholic. But he's also a super genius. And I guess he is sorta fun sometimes.

The thing is, Tony Stark has always been undeniably cool. That's basically his signature trait. It used to be all white tuxedos, martinis and cigarettes.

Nothing like enjoying a smoke after a long day of battling evil. And look at those slender, feminine fingers!

Anyway, he isn't cool anymore.

4/10

Day Job: Billionaire inventor and owner and CEO of Stark Industries. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Full-time douche-bag.

6/10

Sexiness of Super Powers:
Well, he has a sweet-looking suit that he built himself which makes him practically invincible. It also lets him fly really fast, and he can shoot lasers out of his hands.

As always, I award points to heroes who don't have any natural super powers, but I don't know how sexy a guy is who gains powers when he puts on a big heavy robot suit. I mean, anyone could be Iron Man. I could be Iron Man. But I guess I couldn't invent and build an Iron Man suit, so I gotta give props.

6/10

Cons:
It would be faster to re-name this section "Pros," because listing all the cons could take awhile. Briefly stated, though: an alcoholic whose hobbies include forcing other super heroes to register with the government, and shooting former teammates into outer space.

- 10

Final Score: 11/40

That's what you get, Tony. Truth be told, I actually like Iron Man a lot. But I like him because he's such a tool. You just gotta love that guy.

17 comments:

Scott said...

Yeah, you neglected to mention all the lives he's ended/endangered with his all-consuming need to keep his "cool armor" top secret.

I mean, yeah, I agree absolutely that he should be awarded points for designing armor that can do all that stuff(except the jet-skates in the boots: that should deduct points), but the armor becomes less cool when you realize how much energy he spends fussing over his costume and making sure no one else figures out how it works.

Plus he fights Captain America often enough that you kind of expect him to start, I don't know, shaking hands with Baron Zemo.

Rich said...

Don't forget the shit he pulled on Peter P. in Civil War. Plus, he's friends with Hank Pym. Uncool.

However, Robert Downey, Jr., won't be playing me in a major motion picture. So props there.

jake! said...

Oh man, but Tony! He's the best! Sure, right NOW he's everybody's punching bag, but think about it. He's taking one for the entire Marvel U. Nobody likes him anymore and everyone beats him up like all day, but he's still just doing what he thinks is right, dammit! Plus he totally grabbed a dude's nuts in this month's issue of his solo series, so at least there's that.

rachelle said...

Hey, I like a good nut grabbing as much as the next gal, but Iron Man still sucks for reasons too long to list. I love the guy, but I would never want to sleep with him. Ever.

SallyP said...

And don't forget he had that 1970's Porn Star look going a while back. Eeeuuwww!

For a while there, Tony DID have that sort've James Bondian thing going, but really as a person, he's ALWAYS been pretty shallow. And petty. And Drunk.

I'll take Booster any day. Heck, I'll take Ralph over Tony.

nac said...

happy...so very happy

Scott said...

Oh man, but Tony! He's the best! Sure, right NOW he's everybody's punching bag, but think about it. He's taking one for the entire Marvel U. Nobody likes him anymore and everyone beats him up like all day, but he's still just doing what he thinks is right, dammit!

I like Tony the way I like Doctor Doom. I like him because he's an insanely successful supervillian who is fun to hate. I wouldn't want to read his solo title, but I love that he exists withing the Marvel U.

Kevin said...

In the first panel, is that McNiven art? The shellhead looks atrocious, and the Cap. is channeling McNiven, but he usually does better stuff, so I'm confused.

I love these features (even though I'm not a girl.) But I'm not gay!

Not gay!

The Frumious Bandersnatch said...

Wait, aren't you holding Iron Man in your banner?

Go Dorito said...

I am biased here. Iron Man was the first comic my Grandmotehr gave me... so... there's that.

Anyway, You trash Tony for taking over the thankless job of overseeing the registration, but let Bruce off scott free with his "measures" against other heroes that always seem to fall into evil hands. If Tony gets douche awards for this It seems only fair that Bruce gets them too.

...I think my Batman cookie jar is coming to kill me right now.

Don't get me wrong. I love both these guys. Tony comes in just over Dick Grayson who is just over Bats who is just over Nova... man, he's the odd man out in that list.

Just doesn't seem fair to trash Tony and not trash Bruce.

Viagra said...

The best of Iron Man is Stark's personality, he is so ironic and cares so little of what other people say or think of him, I like that about him.

Anonymous said...

still I don't see why everyone treats him as a piece of shit
if he didn't propose the superhuman registration act
all the heroes would be hunted by thre govermanet and shield
and sure he has made some mistakes (thor clone) but comeone he has taken the punch that the entire MU could have gotten
and i lioke his "whatever" attitude
and you got al the wrong pictures of his goatee
and... that's about it sorry if i sound rude i just love the guy and do not think he deserves those points

Anonymous said...

I like Tony the way I like Doctor Doom. I like him because he's an insanely successful supervillian who is fun to hate. I wouldn't want to read his solo title, but I love that he exists withing the Marvel U.

he's no, I repeat NO supervillain he's a good guy

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Kamagra said...

I realize something in one of the pictures, the person who made the sketch forgot put the chest arc reactor, you know the little thing that make the entire dress work.

brimonidine tartrate said...

i have been fan of iron man, the comic is great.. and movies which were released also stand in a good place.. thanks for the article on him..

viagra online said...

maybe the most great hero in the Marvel Universe, this thanks to the last movies, definitely if Tony Stark really exist, Robert Downey Jr will be the face of that person.