Rating the Super Hunks #21: Winter Soldier

I'm in the mood for super hunks, and it's long past due that I rate the sexiest one-armed octogenarian around:

James "Bucky" Barnes aka Winter Soldier aka Captain America

Costume/Appearance: Oh, Bucky. Where Do I begin?

Even as Captain America's teenage sidekick in WWII, you were a snappy dresser. And having your arm blown off, being frozen, and then being captured and reprogrammed by the Russian military only made you hotter.

As Winter Soldier, Bucky had this really fantastic outfit. Dark blue jacket with the front bib, tight pants, domino mask, bionic arm...really great. Plus, clean-shaven but with long, dark, sexy hair.

Even after his haircut he still looks hot.

Now, I'm not crazy about the new Captain America outfit, but you'll recall that I wasn't crazy about the old one either. I mean, I loved the old one as a super hero costume, it just wasn't particularly sexy. The new costume is not really any sexier, and it is less cool as a costume design. So it just loses. However, the man filling the suit continues to be very sexy, so that helps. And I do like that the new costume points directly at his crotch (oh, Alex Ross).

9/10

Personality: I am in love with Winter Solider and yet I would not want to have to hang out with him at all. Dude is depressing. So the best strategy is to keep talking to a minimum with this guy. When in his presence, you should either be fighting or smooching. I prefer the latter, but I don't mind watching the former.

But it's not like Bucky is an asshole. He's a good guy. He wouldn't be wearing the Captain America uniform if he wasn't. He's brave and selfless and all that sexy stuff.

He's just very serious and broody and maybe needs a little more time coping with the fact that he's been belived to be dead for the past 60 years, but has actually been a Soviet human weapon. And before that he was frozen. And the only guy who can really relate to any of that was his old WWII partner, Captain America, who died pretty much as soon as they reunited. It's all very sad. And sexy.

8/10

Day-Job: When he's not being James Barnes, highly-skilled fighter and lover of Black Widow, he's being Captain America. Not bad, Bucky. Not bad.

10/10

Sexiness of Powers: Oh, Bucky doesn't have Steve Rogers' precious Super Soldier Serum in his veins. He's awesome all by himself.

Um...and with the help of some guns...which he uses to shoot bad guys. Now I know that shooting people isn't really what super heroes are supposed to do, but Bucky looks so good doing it that I can't complain.

9/10

Cons: I don't want to use the word 'crazy' here to describe Bucky. A lot of perfectly sane people have a lot of faith in him. Sane people like, um...Tony Stark...

Bucky isn't crazy. But he might be. I feel that, like many Marvel heroes, he could just snap at any minute. But considering everything he's been through, I'd say he handles himself very well.

-1

Final Score: 35/40

The sexy student surpasses his reasonably sexy teacher.

Yes, yes, Bucky. A thousand times, yes.

Rating the Super Hunks #20: Namor the Sub-Mariner

Time for another super hunk!!! This time we dive beneath the waves to get a closer look at Marvel's aquatic hottie,

PRINCE NAMOR, AKA THE SAVAGE SUB-MARINER


Costume/Appearance: Namor's costume is, in a word, minimal.

It's easy to point out the skimpy outfits that female comic characters wear, but in truth the most revealing outfit is actually donned by a dude who was created in 1939. Namor usually only wears a speedo when he fights. And because this isn't quite flamboyant enough, he has little white wings on his ankles.
Lately he's been wearing a more conservative black costume, which retains the best elements of his embarassing 1970s suit with the little yellow wings. Lord.

And let's talk about those Greta Garbo eyebrows. They are awesome.

The whole package is pretty fabulous, if not a little, y'know...homo mermanus.

8/10

Personality: I'm not going to pretend that Namor isn't a giant asshole. He really is. But heavy is the head that wears the crown, and maybe we'd all be cranky if we were the crown prince of an advanced underwater society. Or maybe he's just a douche.

I wouldn't change a thing about Namor though. It's all about confidence, which our Sub-Mariner has in spades. When he looks at you from under those pointy eyebrows and that widow's peak and asks if you'd like to see the royal scepter, you say YES. Just ask Sue Storm. She knows what I'm talking about.

Frankly, whenever Namor says anything you say "yes" because the way he talks is awesome.

I would love to hear a debate between Namor and Thor.

On the negative side...he has a bit of a temper.

Yes, he's a dick. But he's got an exotic David Bowie quality that captures our hearts.

7/10

Day Job: He is the monarch of Atlantis. It looks pretty good on the ol' resume.

10/10

Sexiness of Super Powers: You wouldn't think that flight would be a included in the underwater superhero package, but it is for Namor! Depending on what era of Namor we're talking about, he can also either just be really strong and invulnerable, or he can call of the abilities of any underwater creature (ie - electric eel).

His powers, for the most part, are only operating when he is wet. This is funny. I like any hero who needs to be wet and shirtless at all times.

I would also like to mention that Namor's entry contains what is possibly the greatest sentence on Wikipedia:

Later, Namor lost his ankle-wings when he released a mutagenic scrambler within the animated garbage-monster Sluj.

Incidentally, an almost identical sentence can be found in the Wikipedia entry for Harry Truman.

8/10

Cons: Namor's past love interests include an evil chick, his own cousin, and Mr Fantastic's wife.

- 3

FINAL SCORE: 30/40


Oh, suck it up, Subby! That's not a bad score at all...considering your pointy...everything.

Rating The Super Hunks #19: Iron Fist (Daniel Rand)

Time to revisit one of my favourite features here at LBW. It's been awhile since I've rated a superhunk, and it isn't because I've lost interest in hunky superheroes. Believe me. Let's take a look at the sexiest man this side of K'un L'un...

DANNY RAND, AKA THE IMMORTAL IRON FIST

Costume/Appearance: The classic Iron Fist costume has all the makings of a typical douchebag club outfit. Most noticeably, we have a giant chest tattoo of a dragon, exposed by an open shirt, and a massive popped collar. Danny's costume also boldly includes trendy elements from female fashion such as capri-cut leggings, ballet flats, and a ribbon belt. Add to that a pretty crazy facemask with long ribbon tails flying off the end, paint the whole outfit lime green and canary yellow, and you have a look that's so insane it has to be respected.

And you know what's sexy? A big glowing fist.

Under the hood, Danny Rand is the super hero that most closely resembles my real life boyfriend. Slim, blonde, giant chest tattoo (I'm kidding). He's a good-looking guy.

Small build for a super-hero, particularly when standing next to his massive pal, Power Man. But he's, y'know, approachable-looking. Not really hunky or macho, or even dreamy, but he's cute. And his fist glows so he's always well-lit.

8/10

Personality: See, normally I see a wealthy white guy who is really into Asian stuff and I think "what a douche" and walk away. But Danny makes it work.

Danny had a somewhat unconventional childhood. And by unconventional, I mean his wealthy father took him to a mythical city as a boy to study martial arts. During this family vacation, Danny witnessed the horrible deaths of both of his parents. He ended up sticking around and mastering martial arts, eventually obtaining the power of the Iron Fist by ramming his fist into the heart of a dragon. Despite these seemingly traumatic events, Danny is very well-balanced and laid back. I would attribute this to the fact that he: a) is incredibly wealthy, and b) can punch through pretty much anything with his big glowing fist.

I know what you're thinking: the heir to a family fortune who witnessed the deaths of his parents and then learned the hell out of martial arts before returning to America? Sounds a lot like Batman. Yeah, except you could actually hang out with Danny Rand for more than five minutes without wanting to kill yourself. You can party with Danny. He's a fun guy. Maybe it's because he's a Marvel, maybe it's because he was created in the seventies (aka - the party decade), but Iron Fist is an enjoyable character. And he has cool friends.

9/10

Day Job: He inherited his dad's company and now he's crazy rich. Despite this, he charged for his superhero services as one of the Heroes for Hire. Is that weird?

Hey, y'know what was sexy? When Danny Rand was Daredevil for awhile. That was cool.

8/10

Sexiness of Super Powers: Big. Glowing. Fist.

10/10

Cons: From reading Power Man and Iron Fist comics, the New Avengers, and even from reading the current Iron Fist series I don't get a sense that Danny is the brightest bulb in the Marvel universe.

He's not a detective, really. And he'd kinda dull. And he maybe shouldn't stand next to his very tall and attractive friend Power Man all the time.

- 3


FINAL SCORE: 33/40

Not bad, Fist! That actually places you ahead of Daredevil, which seems highly unlikely. I guess when you don't leave a trail of dead girlfriends in your wake, it helps you score higher as a hunk.

And now I leave you with an unintentionally sexy panel:

Rating the Super Hunks #18: Iron Man

This is for everyone (including me) who wanted to bump Booster Gold out of the bottom spot on the list of rated super hunks. I give you the man you love to hate, the decidedly unsexy

IRON MAN, aka TONY STARK

Costume/Appearance: Tony Stark looks like the douchebag that he is, with his dochebag goatee.

His armor, however, is sweet. Very sweet. Costume on, he is one of my favourite looking super heroes. But he also looks like a robot.

Are robots sexy? No. Well, kinda...but in the way that a Lotus Elise is sexy.

Yeah. I'd hit that.

Anyway, the armor is real nice. And Tony designed and built it himself. So that's something. Plus...it hides his face.


Maybe I am being a little hard on him in the looks department. I mean, I guess he's got a dashing classic Hollywood kinda look about him. And he clearly works out.

For my money, though, he looked better in the old days with his pencil moustache. And when he was sexily pulling up his stockings.


5/10

Personality: Well, let's see...he's a giant douche. And a recovering alcoholic. But he's also a super genius. And I guess he is sorta fun sometimes.

The thing is, Tony Stark has always been undeniably cool. That's basically his signature trait. It used to be all white tuxedos, martinis and cigarettes.

Nothing like enjoying a smoke after a long day of battling evil. And look at those slender, feminine fingers!

Anyway, he isn't cool anymore.

4/10

Day Job: Billionaire inventor and owner and CEO of Stark Industries. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Full-time douche-bag.

6/10

Sexiness of Super Powers: Well, he has a sweet-looking suit that he built himself which makes him practically invincible. It also lets him fly really fast, and he can shoot lasers out of his hands.

As always, I award points to heroes who don't have any natural super powers, but I don't know how sexy a guy is who gains powers when he puts on a big heavy robot suit. I mean, anyone could be Iron Man. I could be Iron Man. But I guess I couldn't invent and build an Iron Man suit, so I gotta give props.

6/10

Cons: It would be faster to re-name this section "Pros," because listing all the cons could take awhile. Briefly stated, though: an alcoholic whose hobbies include forcing other super heroes to register with the government, and shooting former teammates into outer space.

- 10

Final Score: 11/40

That's what you get, Tony. Truth be told, I actually like Iron Man a lot. But I like him because he's such a tool. You just gotta love that guy.