A Super Valentine for You!

One last Lois Lane post, because it's Valentine's Day. This one is kind of a grab bag.

First, despite the editor's previous assertions that a woman can't keep a secret, there was an imaginary story that had Lois marry Superman, with this very reasonable explanation of what made Superman change his mind:

So there you go. Everybody wins, and the Kents can now start a long and happy marriage in separate beds:

And Lois, of course, is now a full-time housewife. And Superman always takes the time to solve problems on the home front. Like when his wife burns dinner.

That panel where he's telling her to smile if she wants a Super Kiss creeps the hell out of me. Especially since I associate super kissing with memory erasing, thanks to Superman II.

Not everything is super kissing and eye-broiled burgers, though. Sometimes Lois gets jealous. Like when Superman has to give a plaque to a famous actress, and gets a hearty "thank-you."

Lois is HARDCORE.

I love it when they fight. Let's see a few panels of that (from Lois Lane #38):


This next one really cracks me up. I think it's a combination of Superman's pose and expression, the venetian blinds, and the fact that Lois is even trying to keep him out.

Or maybe it's what Superman's saying.

These next panels prove that Lois and Superman's fights are far more interesting than the ones I have with my boyfriend.


Hardly any of our fights include the line "I'm going to take you to that distant small planet and clear myself!" And only one of them ended with me being placed in a plastic bubble and carried into space, arms folded and pouting.

In conclusion, I want to share this random panel that proves that Superman is totally, totally creepy and weird:

Everybody Knows That No Woman Can Keep a Secret

Even more...


All I want to do lately is read old comic book letters pages.

This response is truly amazing:
Give this editor a raise! Clearly he's the right man for the job of overseeing a comic book for girls.

Thank God for girls like Margie Loughran of NYC. She is clearly rad and I would love to hang out with her:

Smoke it, DC. Smoke it hard.

This is for Ethel Guiness, Wherever You Are

Well, this just breaks my heart.

Here we have this clearly awesome young lady writing to DC Comics in 1959 with some adventure ideas for her hero, Lois Lane. She suggests some fun careers (since, y'know, anything goes in the wacky Silver Age).

Then we get this very depressing response:

Reach for the stars, little Ethel!

The worst part is that I'm pretty sure the writers did end up stealing all of Ethel's ideas in later issues.

Let's Get Ready to Tumble!

Er...did, um, "tumble" used to mean something else? In the fifties?

Cause otherwise the Comics Code Authority was a little looser than I thought.

Eyes of White

I was checking out the novelization of Infinite Crisis, which is I guess for people who like superheroes but hate looking at them. I would like to offer this passage, which has Superman meeting up with Batman:

A solitary figure waited for him on an elevated walkway at the centre of the ravaged nerve centre. A stark black cloak and cowl were draped over the man's equally black body armour, so that he blended in with the shadows thrown by the faint blue light. Opaque white lenses concealed his eyes.

So, the stand out line here is opaque white lenses concealed his eyes. My thought when reading it was really? Has that been decided, then? The eyes of Batman have always been a subject of debate. There are basically two schools of thought:

1. He wears a mask with white, opaque lenses to conceal and protect his eyes.

2. He wears a mask that does not have lenses, because that would obstruct his vision. His eyes are just whited out in comics for aesthetic reasons.

For the most part, Batman's eyes are white when he wears the cowl. But the same goes for, like, a million billion other superheroes. I doubt Green Arrow has lenses in that little mask. It just looks cool when the eyes are whited out, and it's easier to draw.

In all Batman movies, and in some comics, the eyes are visible (Lee Bermejo and Alex Ross both show the eyes in their art, for example). Batman Begins had some grease paint around the eyes, which I think would be a lot of effort for our hero. They were careful in that movie to never show Batman with the cowl pulled off because the paint around the eyes would look silly.

I have no problem believing that Batman would have the lenses, but the problem is that the cowl never has white eyes when he isn't wearing it.

There is another possibility: retractable lenses. Batman The Animated Series had him changing his lenses to red sometimes so he wouldn't be blinded by his own flash bombs. So maybe the white lenses are also retractable.

So...any thoughts? I think Batman's eyes have always been one of the great mysteries of comic books. I don't like a novelization (of a book) casually removing the ambiguity.

Superman + Robin + Elongated Man = Huh?

DC Comics Presents #58 (Mike W. Barr and Curt Swann). Superman teams up with Robin and the Elongated Man. Should be the best comic ever, right? Well...as surprising as this may sound, it's actually kinda weird and confusing.

I can't possibly explain the villains they are fighting in this story. Some sorta weird film memorabilia collectors who use technology to make suits that make it impossible for anyone to touch them. That's the best I can do. The important thing is that everyone piles onto Superman's back and heads West. And that it looks hilarious:

California, here we come!

Superman is a jackass several times in this story. Here's one example. An unnecessary aerial loop:

Very considerate, Supes.

In the final showdown against the puzzling villains, Superman gets zapped with some kinda gun that sort of damages his eyesight:

Ok, so his vision is a little wonky. What does he do? He hightails it outta there!

Jackass! "You and Elongated Man are on your own!" Superman only operates at 100%. The slightest disability and he makes like a banana.

Superman needs to be introduced to a little someone named Daredevil.

So Superman flies to the Sun (in about 40 seconds...which I just don't think is realistic. I mean, sure. A solar-powered super alien might be fighting a group of untouchable techno thieves alongside a teenage boy and a man who gets stretchy when he drinks concentrated fruit juice, but instant trips to the Sun? I'm sorry...I just don't buy it).

Um...for ordinary humans going to the sun would cause death. I think we're way past the effects of staring at the sun, here.

Yup, well, Superman is right. It works like eye-drops. Then he returns (way too quickly) to Hollywood to finish the fight against the confusing villains. I'll give Robin and Elongated Man credit. They pretty much had this thing wrapped up on their own. There was just one small detail left for Superman to take care of: the bad guy was still conscious.

Ha! "No! Don't touch my belt buckle!"

I like how Elongated Man calls Robin "Robbie." And I like that he is telling NO ONE that his nose stopped twitching. If there were one more panel after this, I think it would be Superman turning around and saying "Your nose? What? Oh. Right. Twitches when it smells a mystery. Whatever."

Destroying Music...The Marvel Way!

If you need a Valentine's Day gift idea, might I suggest having your loved one's name inserted into a terrible song about Marvel heroes? Or perhaps...a whole CD of Marvel-based songs?

A multitude of delightful phoned-in songs that are vaguely creepy and factually incorrect. But you don't have to take my word for it...

Please click on this link and listen to the song samples. All of them. You won't regret it.

I would especially recommend the Wolverine Rap. The trilogy of Superwish, Fly With Me and Show and Tell is also incredible.

I would love to give this gift to a friend with a five-syllable name. See them work that in there.

Wouldn't this be awesome if they had Stan Lee record your kids name, and his crazy voice interrupted every song several times? "Let's set a trap for Doctor Octopus AARON."

And I thought Spider-Man Rocks! was lame.

All I'm saying is...DC doesn't do this shit.

Grant Morrison 1, Jeph Loeb 0

I really didn't want to dis Jeph Loeb again so soon. But seriously, this is me going easy on Wolverine #50.


What does Jeph Loeb have against Canada? We only have one good Canadian hero, and he wants to make him act all American. Sure some mysterious Canadian bad guys did some terrible things to Logan, but terrible things are done to all heroes, usually by Americans. They don't hate America because of it. One Canadian dig is fine. Sure. On a cold day I might casually renounce my citizenship too. But page after page after page?!

Grant Morrison rules. He does Canada proud with his Wolverine:

Yeah, that's right. Correcting the asshole. A little patriotism before a fight? Not bad.

Or maybe the Canadian government sits around thinking up stupid things for Wolverine to say in battle (??!!), as suggested by this (agonizingly cute) Loeb page:

Oh, chill, Wolverine. I would argue that you were saying things that were far more ridiculous in the first half of this very comic book. But you looked pretty while you said them, thanks to Simone Bianchi's snazzy artwork.

You Can Do It, Put Your Ass Into It

There is a right way and a wrong way to fight crime.

This is ALWAYS the WRONG WAY:

Dirty pool, Elongated Man. Dirty, disgusting pool.

World's Grossest Detective

I have a hard time reading Elongated Man comics because every couple of panels or so I see something that makes me want to throw up.

Also, Elongated Man, just because you can stretch, doesn't mean that's always the right solution.

Here he is hiding out underwater and spying on a nearby boat. He STRETCHES his EYES above the water and kind of INFLATES THEM and oh god I'm going to be sick...

Grossssss! The pupils protruding a little! And, seriously, that is a lot more noticeable to the dude you're spying on than just, say, sticking your head above the water. And I guess his eyes are invulnerable to salt water. Ow.

He loves this trick. Here it is again:

But how can he breathe underwater? By stretching his nose above the waves, of course. Disgusting!

Then he lends an ear:

Ok. They are TOTALLY going to see that ear. And throw up.

He's also gross on land. Check this move out:

Noose Nose! No! He just lassoed that guy with his NOSE and then reeled him in by tugging on his NOSE. Then in that last panel you can see his nose slithering limply on the ground. Oh, why did I eat turkey bacon this morning? The GLOOOP sound coming out of the crook doesn't help.

I have to wrap this up because I am positively green now, but I'll leave you with this puzzling elongated forehead move:

That guy who is crumpled on the ground behind the stretchy sleuth is an embodiment of how I feel right now. Owooo. And yeah, Elongated Man is sneezing as he does this. So I guess that guy is just lucky that he's not lassoing him with his nose. Because Elongated Man would do that. Because he is disgusting.

R.I.P. - Legends of the Dark Knight

I feel like something should be said about the final issue of Legends of the Dark Knight hitting stores today. I celebrated this monumental occasion by forgetting to buy it, as usual.

LotDK was always hit-or-miss. When it was good, it was very good (Matt Wagner's Faces, Grant Morrison's Gothic, the recent Bruce Jones run). Usually it was just weird, but it was at least imaginative and reasonably fun to read. And if nothing else, it was extra Batman reading, which I certainly don't have a problem with. The series, which was supposed to be stories from Batman's early years but often strayed from that theme, is being replaced by the currently horrid Batman Confidential. As far as I'm concerned it's been replaced by Matt Wagner's awesome Monster Men/Mad Monk series. I hope they continue forever. That's some fun early years adventure reading.

I was going to post a bunch of my favourite LotDK moments, but I keep thinking about last month's issue (#213) and how I really wanted to post something about it as soon as I read it.

Did y'all read this thing? It's bizarre. Basically it involves Batman having to track down a criminal who is a total foaming-at-the-mouth superhero nerd/collector. I'm always amused when a comic book makes a villain out of its readers. Not that I am as nerdy as this guy. No way.

Batman has to follow this guy, who has stolen one of Batman's cape and cowl combos from a black market dealer, to Japan. This dude is into cosplay, which, according to Batman, is "Costume play. Dressup as a hobby or kink." (Did I ever want Batman to explain cosplay to me? No I did not).

Here's what I don't like: when a writer forces their own interests on an established character, no matter how ridiculous. I would even call that lazy when we're talking about fanfiction, nevermind an actual canon comicbook. It's like if I got to write a Batman comic and I had him lead the Montreal Canadiens to the Stanley Cup. Fun for me, confusing for everyone else.

So Bruce Wayne goes to Tokyo to hunt this geek down, and in the process we get to learn all about manga and cosplay subculture. Because Bruce knows all about it.

Gross.

To me, the best part of the book is that Bruce has to go undercover at a cosplay party, and chooses to dress as Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner specifically, it looks like). But look at the geekiness he has to put up with (remember, Bruce is the guy in the Lantern costume):


*shudder* I know Batman doesn't get scared very often, but I would not blame him for being effing terrified.

Anyway, the whole thing is just weird. And it ends with this conversation between Alfred and Bruce which is kinda funny, but also really wrong.


Now let's look at a good issue of LotDK, just to wash the taste of manga out of our mouths.


#125 was a No Man's Land tie-in written by Greg Rucka. So we're already off to a good start.

I really like this comic a lot. The entire thing is an awkward conversation between Batman and James Gordon in Gordon's backyard. They are trying to restore their friendship after a tough year, but they have some trust issues to work out first. Maybe it's just satisfying to see these two have a conversation that lasts so long. Especially one that is so fun to read. I especially love that pages of silence between them before Batman breaks the ice with a gardening compliment.

Gordon gets in some good digs during the argument.

Awesome! You tell him, Jim! And what does Batman have to say for himself?

Awww. Who needs a hug?

Batman is so moved by his friend's anger that he decides to show him the ultimate gesture of respect and trust by removing his mask. Only Gordon isn't interested.

I love it! This whole argument was just so manly and a great representation of their relationship.

So there it is. Legends of the Dark Knight: awesome conversations between Batman and Jim Gordon, or Batman dressing up like Green Lantern at a Japanese sex party. Something for everyone!

I'd love to hear some of your favourite or least-favourite Legends issues.

The Secret of 52 Is That The Multiverse Still Exists

Just when I was finally confident in my knowledge and understanding of the current DC universe, they decide they gotta go and multiply it by 52. I can just see all of the DC big shots sitting around the table.

"What about fifteen universes?"
"Fifteen, Dan!"
"Not fifteen? Then what about...fifty-two?!"

(I'm sorry, but you have to be Canadian to get that reference).

After cracking Dan Didio's cryptic message (and awesome, by the way, putting a coded message in a comic that I actually had to break out a pen and notepad for. Old timey fun!), I decided it was time to re-read Crisis on Infinite Earths. I have two things to say about this book:

1. The artwork is totally awesome, and
2. I am really glad that all of the characters were just as confused as I was.

And also, I love this cover:


Because I love this:

Everyone in that panel is wearing an expression of sheer terror except Batman. He's all "Did I remember to rewind Teen Wolf before returning it?"

I just want to announce that I'm ready for the multiverse. Bring it on, I say! Just 52? How about 5,200?! What are you, scared, DC? I think the world is ready for no less than 75,000 new characters. And at least one Earth where Superman, Batman, Predator and Alien all just get along.