I can't say I wholeheartedly recommend Ultimatum.

And the award for most homoerotic panel in Ultimatum #1 goes to...

Man, what a terrible comic. Seriously. I know Jeph Loeb sucks at writing comics, but man...it's like, I have read menus with more compelling stories. And they had better-constructed characters.

I did enjoy Dr. Doom's musical number, though:

I loved this promise at the end:

Oh, Jeph. It couldn't possibly.

This Stinx

So by now we all know that DC/Vertigo canceled the Minx line of comics this week. I for one am very disappointed. I'm not surprised that they weren't selling well, and I'm not surprised that they weren't hitting the target demographic (teen girls). But it certainly wasn't the product's fault.

The Minx books are not good sellers, but they are good books. A few of them are great books, especially when compared to the bulk of comics, or even literature, aimed at young girls. They are smart, funny, and have strong female characters that readers can relate to. They have talented writers, great art, and they offered an exciting new platform for indie comic creators. The books are well-packaged and eye-catching. They look great on a shelf. They are a nice size. They are very affordable.

Since the announcement of the cancellation, I have seen a lot of Minx-bashing on message boards and blogs. Seriously, everyone, these were not bad books. There were a few duds for sure, and I'm not going to name them, but the fact stands that over half of the books were good, and that's a far better track record than most publishers can boast.

When the Minx line was first announced, I was skeptical. Mostly because I was concerned by what DC would consider "comics for girls" to be. But I was pleasantly surprised by the first line of books, and was 100% pro-Minx from that point on.

I am very glad that the upcoming Emiko Superstar will still be released because I have already read it and it is fantastic. I am sad that the Minx line will no longer be a publishing option for similar projects in the future. It really sucks.

And I'll tell you the worst part: Minx was not given a fair chance. One year is what DC/Vertigo decided was a fair trial for something this radical and new. It was a whole new market, and a whole new product, and DC honestly did not even try.

As a nearly-certified Businessologist, allow me to throw down some Marketing 101:

A new product line aimed at a new audience needs to experiment with new channels. You cannot put these books in comic shops and in the graphic novel section of Barnes & Noble and expect teen girls to find them. You need to get creative. You need to AT LEAST make and distribute display units. To promote something this different, you need to go balls out on it.

Now, I noticed that Minx is (was?) a sponsor of the upcoming Seventeen Magazine fashion show tour. I doubt that's still going to happen, but my understanding is that there would be some sort of Minx promotion at these shows. Good idea! Too bad it probably won't happen now.

The thing is, it's not like young girls didn't want to read these. If you put them in their hands, they will read them, and probably like them a lot. DC just needed to put them in their hands. The books should have been in clothing stores, and given away for free at events. There was a big media blitz right before the first book was released, and then nothing besides the occasional print ad. I don't know a single person who was aware of the Minx books besides the people who read Previews every month. In other words: not your target market.

The slogan for Minx when it was first announced was "Evocative and Fearless." The books were often evocative, but the marketing of them was entirely gutless. And the shutting down of the line is a real slight to potential young female comic readers everywhere. It says "See? We told you girls don't like comics."

Young girls do like comics. Young boys like comics. I see it everyday. I spent all day at a book fair here in Halifax where I saw nothing but kids getting excited about comics. And these weren't kids who came into the shop regularly. These weren't kids whose parents are big comic fans. These were kids who were basically picking up their first comic or graphic novel and getting excited just from looking at it. Many of them honestly had no idea there were so many different types of comics.

I am fully aware that Minx as a concept is not an easy sell, but it certainly isn't an impossible sell. The product was good and it had endless potential for the future. I was looking forward to years of great books aimed at a market that had never before been properly targeted. Generating mass awareness and profits is not something that takes 12 months, and the infuriating part is that DC definitely knows this.

The bottom line: despite all their hype and apparent interest in teen girls, when it comes to down to it, they just don't care.

Run Away from Runaways

Runaways was re-launched (or continued with a new numbering system, or whatever, this week). The new run is written by Strangers in Paradise creator, Terry Moore. And the first issue was terrible. Really, really terrible. I wasn't really expecting much, but man...

Besides the fact that it was overall terrible, and numbered #1 for no reason, Xavin spent the entire issue as a dude. What the hell? Like...seriously...there wasn't even any mention of the fact that Xavin (a shape shifting Skrull for those of you who aren't familiar with the series) is in a lesbian relationship with Karolina. At one point Chase even asks Xavin "Dude, who wears the pants in your relationship anyway?" when Xavin wants to do something that Karolina won't approve of. Seriously...WHAT IS GOING ON? I need answers.

Plus, the art was no good.

People are dropping this from their pull lists like its hot...which it is not. And that's too bad because it's one of the few truly great original concepts for a super hero comic to come out of the big two in a long time. Plus it's one of the best teen books ever. If Marvel destroys this then I will never forgive them.

Canada Cracks Down on Nerdiness At The Border

I have many awesome stories about HeroesCon, which was pretty much the best weekend ever. I'll post a lot more over the next few days, but I want to start with a story from yesterday when I was flying home.

After a long day of delayed flights and airport confusion, I was taken aside at customs and put in one of those side rooms so they could grill me and inspect my luggage. At midnight. Because, y'know, I'm pretty suspicious. I think my mistake may have been saying I was at a comic book convention.

Anyway, I got all my bags opened and emptied and the whole time was getting this from the security guy:

Dude: You like comics?
Me (exhausted): Yes
Dude: What kind of comics?
Me: Lots...of...comics?
Dude: You collect comics?
Me: Yes
Dude: You buy any down there?
Me: Yes. A few. And some artwork
Dude: You have receipts for that?
Me: No...they didn't really have any receipts there.
Dude: You own a comic shop?
Me: No!
Dude: What do you do for a living in Nova Scotia?
Me: I'm a student.
Dude (opening bag and holding up comics one at a time and flipping through each one forever): Daredevil, Fantastic Four...what did you think of the movies?
Me: Um...they were ok? Not great?
Dude (holding an issue of Superman Family): When would this comic be from?
Me: The seventies sometime?
Dude: How many comics do you own?
Me: I don't know...thousands?
Dude: How long you been collecting those?
Me: Years?
Dude (takes out my sketchbook and flips through it): How long does it take these guys to draw these pictures?
Me: A few minutes, usually?
Dude: You always take a sketchbook with you?
Me: It was my first time to a convention, but probably I will.
Dude (holding up an Invincible comic suspiciously): I've never heard of this guy.
Me: Uh...he's new...

Yeah, so it went on like this, with the guy inspecting each and every book and nerdy item in my suitcase. It was really pretty embarrassing.

Meanwhile, at the Charlotte airport when I was leaving all I got from security was a guy smiling and pointing to my shirt and saying "Aquaman! Alright!"

Quick Review: Titans Together #1

Note to Ian Churchill:

This is a skirt:

This is a muffin cup:


Skirt:

Muffin cup:


Skirt:


Muffin cup:


You'll notice the subtle differences, I'm sure.

Ok, now that we've had this talk, maybe you'll stop drawing things like this:

Siiiiiiigh.

Also, this comic is terrible.

Maybe they could draw comics if their hands weren't always full of chocolate...

An actual conversation between me and a customer today:

Dude: It's weird to see girls reading comics.
Me: Yeah, well, there are a lot of us.
Dude: Because comics are usually for guys. It's an old boy's club.
Me: Yes. It's changing.
Dude (not listening to a word I say): There's never really been any women who write or draw comics.
Me: Actually, there are quite a few.
Dude: It'd be something to see a woman drawing comics like a man.
Me: There are women drawing comics, er...like a man. (Go into detail talking about Amanda Conner).
Dude (ignoring me): Yeah, it'd be something to see a woman draw a comic.
Me: Is this...a prank?
Dude: Because women don't really like violence and men like violence.
Me (considering stabbing him): I like violence.
Dude: It'd be something if a woman was writing comics.
Me: THERE ARE WOMEN WRITING COMICS!
Dude: Mainstream comics, I mean. Like the ones men like.
Me (deep breath): Gail Simone is currently the main writer on The Atom, Wonder Woman, and a number of titles for Wildstorm.
Dude: A woman took over Doom Patrol after Morrison, and it went downhill. And a woman wrote Swamp Thing after what's-his-name, and it went downhill...
Me: Well, I think it's hard for anyone to follow ALAN MOORE or Grant Morrison.
Dude: Any woman?
Me: NO. AnyONE. Anyone at all.
Dude: Women can't really draw the way that men like.
Me: ....
Dude (hauling random volume of Swamp Thing off shelf, opening to random page): Like this...now, I know this is a scary picture...
Me: Uh, yeah...I love that series. It's really good. I'm sure a woman somewhere on Earth can draw that page.
Dude: Can you imagine? If a woman could draw that.
Me (REALLY wishing I could draw that so I could just throw down): I...no. No I can't imagine that. It's just too crazy. Please close that book now. That picture is making me faint with terror.


So there you have it. We still have a long way to go, apparently.

This Week's Haul: Sorry

Well, it's pretty clear that I don't have time to review last week's comics. Sorry about that. After this week, though, I'm all yours.

In the meantime, there is no reason why we can't all enjoy this gallery I put together of THE WORST ART EVER, courtesy of Iron Man Annual #1.

Here's Tony Stark with some undercover S.H.I.E.L.D. agents:

These are S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, people!!!

Let's check out some more of this "mission":

Well, I mean, of course they have to go to a strip club. What mission in comics, movies or television doesn't take the investigators to at least one strip club? And, man, that stripper looks happy to be there. (Incidentally, I don't know how much anarchy punks enjoy strip clubs).

Here are the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents in action. Wearing the most ridiculous attire imaginable:

So she gets a big ol' handprint burned on her chest. Which leads to this INSANELY STUPID panel:

Yeah. Clearly you do not have the rack for low cut dresses.

Here are some more ladies wearing non-clothes:

Yuck.

But to be fair, the worst art in the whole book was reserved for the male lead:

YARGH!! What the hell is wrong with Tony Stark??!!

The cheesecake factor was also equal opportunity. Check out Iron Man's great pressed ham ass:

Man! Is there a sheet of glass on the surface of this panel? That is just fantastic.

Oh, there were lots of good comic this week too. Including not one, but TWO Sophie's Choice-inspired stories. That's pretty astonishing.

Sunken Spirit

So I, like many comic fans, have some...concerns...about the upcoming film based on The Spirit, being made by Frank Miller. Basically: I think it is going to suck.

Every time I see or hear anything about it, I get cranky. But this quote, from a Newsarama article, is the most bothersome thing I've read yet:

Miller later directs a scene from near the film’s finale in which the Spirit delivers a powerful right cross to the chin of The Octopus, played by Samuel L. Jackson. “From the start, I wanted Sam Jackson to play The Octopus because I’ve always wanted to work with Sam Jackson,” Miller says. “It seems to me he’s always had a part like this inside waiting to get out.”

The villain, who famously never showed his face in Eisner’s comics, will be slightly less mysterious in the film. “I knew I couldn’t get away with two hours of a guy whose face you never see,” Miller said.

WHAT?! The Octopus has existed as a character for almost seven decades. In all that time his face has never been revealed. Now Frank Miller gets to decide what he looks like? And it's Samuel L Jackson?!

Actually, scratch that. It doesn't matter who it is. The point is that Miller has the audacity to feel that, for some reason, he is allowed reveal a mystery that, clearly, Will Eisner never wanted revealed.

“I knew I couldn’t get away with two hours of a guy whose face you never see,” Miller said.

Two hours?! Try seventy years, assface! It worked pretty well in the comics. If you can't tell a good story without Samuel L Jackson's face, that's your problem.

All-Star Batman and Robin #7: Live Running Commentary...Again!

It's that time again! This thing is coming out more or less on schedule now! It's creeping me out!

Now, once again, I will read this for the first time and post my running commentary. When you hear Batman kick you in the teeth, it's time to turn the page.


CRUNCH!

Before I get started I just want to say that as soon as I picked up this comic I launched into a giant sneezing fit. So maybe I am allergic to All-Star Batman and Robin.

Page 1 - "Striking TERROR. Best part of the job." Isn't striking terror the only part of the job?

CRUNCH!

Page 2 - "You don't know from screwed, you losers!" This gets my vote for worst Batman quote ever.

CRUNCH!

Page 3 - "Let me take you to school, suckers!" Ok, we have a new winner.
Also, Batman really gets off on people shooting each other. I guess.

CRUNCH!

Page 4-5 - "WADS"???!!!! Batman used the word 'wads'!!!!

CRUNCH!

Page 6 - Oh man. I am really glad that I didn't actually buy this. So Batman just called one guy "sweetheart," another guy "boy of mine" and all of this is making "Black Canary" (who is Irish, for whatever reason) very hot.

CRUNCH!

Page 7 - Oh, come on. Selina's not a smoker.
Yes, of all the crap on this page, that's what bothers me.

CRUNCH!

Page 8 - WHA?! NO!! YARG! I...can't believe this. At all.

CRUNCH!

Page 9 - I am so confused about what this is supposed to be. Clearly, it's a joke. I mean, it has to be, right? So my question then is, why is someone with so much obvious contempt for comic books allowed to write this comic? Let me write it! It would be so delightful!

CRUNCH!

Page 10 - So, what is Dick Grayson doing during all this? Starving in the Batcave? Sharpening his axe? Eating rats?

CRUNCH!

Page 11 - ??????!!!!!!

CRUNCH!

Page 12 - Hey, it's Robin! "I have no idea how long I've been here, in the Bat-Cave." Yeah, neither do I. I am pretty lost on the time frame of this comic. How many nights since Dick's parents were killed? Was it this same night? And didn't he leave the cave to play with that axe at one point? Or was that in the cave? Meh. Next Page.

CRUNCH!

Page 13 - 14 - Seriously, if I see one more person throw up in one of my comics this week...

CRUNCH!

Page 15-16 - Well, this is messed up.

CRUNCH!

Page 17-18 - At this point I would believe anything. It would not surprise me if I turn the page to find that Robin has chopped that guy's head off. And then the next page is a giant orgy.

CRUNCH!

Page 19 - 20 - Normally I would kind of love Batman leaning on his car like that. But this isn't any kind of Batman I want to know.

CRUNCH!

Page 21 - Oh, well, terrific. (The Joker has pierced ears?!)

Aaaand we're done. Ouch. This exceeded my expectations of shittiness. Way to go, DC.

Rachelle Predicts The Least Popular ClicKet.com Products

One of my Google sponsors is ClicKet.com. I took a look at their website, which promised deluxe Justice League costumes. I found some other things that I think they probably sell less of.

1. The Steve Irwin life-sized standee


2. The Adult Movie Robin Costume


3. The life-size Austin Powers Standee with voicebox


4. The zero-visibility toddler Batman romper


5. The Newt Gingrich life-sized standee


6. The Mary Katharine Gallagher costume


7. The Alan Jackson life-sized standee


8. The 'Talk to the Hand' costume


9. The pretty crappy Robocop costume


Also, I can't say if it's a hot seller or not, but I just want to bring everyone's attention to this costume:

They call it 'Dracula with a Twist.' I call it confusing.

Note: Clicket.com has many fine products and should not be judged based on this small selection.

Let's Rap!

In 1970, DC got its two squarest heroes to convince kids to fill out a survey.

"Let's Rap!" says Superman, fooling no one.

You can jive talk all you want, Supes. It only makes you look older.

We dig, Superman.

"Groovy?" Take another hit, you hippy!

Anyway, let's see what "groovy" things kids can choose from.

Wait, I'm sorry. What was that?

Yup, wedged right in there between Pollution and Space Flights.

Also of note on that list, Sports - which one (with nowhere to write which one) and Astrology. Not astronomy. Astrology. I would like to read a comic that involves everything on that list. Black astrologists who fly into space to solve city and national problems like pollution. Also, they play sports and fall in love. And have hobbies. (Hobbies is so vague. I love it).

It's worth reading the rest of that survey too.

And Now The Moondancers!

I've been known to complain about the current Superman/Batman series, because it is so crappy. But sometimes you just gotta pull out an old issue of World's Finest to remind yourself that it wasn't all solid gold either.

This issue is many things, but mainly:

a) Melodramatic
b) Ridiculous
c) Romantic

It takes place during that angst-ridden time when Batman and Superman broke up and Batman formed the Outsiders with his new loser friends ("I don't need you, Superman! I've got...Geo-Force! And Halo!").

Alright, so in fair Cape Canaveral, where we lay we scene, our star-crossed lovers are sad:

Superman is thinking that, though he isn't too fond of Batman of late, he doesn't really want him to die. It's really beautiful:

And why is Batman dying? Cause of these bitches:

Who wants to be the Moondancers for Halloween with me?! I call Harvest Moon! (And, for the record, the lone black Moondancer is called 'New Moon,' but her powers are ice-based because she represents the dark side of the moon. For real).

These ladies spray Batman with some weird moon virus.

And help they (Nasa scientists/the army) get, in the form of Batman's ex-best friend, Superman. Awk-ward.

But Superman sees Batman's lifeless body and rises above their petty differences with this bit of angst-ridden soul-searching:
God, I could look at that panel of them having coffee together all day.

Anyway, in the few hours or so that Batman is sick, Gotham City goes to hell. Even more so.

Wow. That...that's a real mess you got there, Gotham. This is what Bruce Wayne would see if he ever did the It's A Wonderful Life thing with his guardian angel.

So, as you can imagine, Commissioner Gordon is also missing Batman, and hoping for his speedy recovery. It's touching:

This is why Gotham is a hopeless mess. It's police officers get distracted by shooting stars. "And look down there, Commissioner! A tank is busting through a bank wall and over some police cruisers!"

Meanwhile, Superman is flying around space looking for a cure for Batman's alien virus. He finds one in a comet somehow. It's not important. He rushes back to Earth with it, and then whips together this little contraption:

What does it do? I don't know. But get ready for a fantastic panel of Superman watching...and waiting!

"Come on...come on! Go, respiration, go!"

Guess what? It works. And it makes for an uncomfortable, and adorable, reunion:

Superman flies off to do stuff so Batman can sleep. But he leaves him unattended, and guess who strolls in:

You suck, Superman.

Superman's living it up in Gotham, putting the fear of God back into the hearts of criminals. One thing he does is disconnect the fuse of a bomb some crooks are using to blow up a bank vault. It's awesome:

And then he chills with Gordon for a second, who still doesn't seem to be doing much about the whole explosion of crime that is tearing his city apart:

I think he may just have said to hell with it and hit the bottle. "Thanks, shooting star! I'll keep the faith!"

Alright, so Superman decides to maybe check in on his sick pal, who happens to have been knocked unconscious by the Moondancers.

"We've got to find them, and fast! But first I have to go back and get my gloves!"

As it turns out, the Moondancers are anti-nuclear activists who feel that their means justifies their end. But who really cares? Let's watch Superman and Batman kick their asses:

Er, well. Just Batman, then.

That's about all you need to see of that story. Except maybe these panels of Batman climbing and straddling a giant phallus:


EPILOGUE:

The Moondancers made a final appearance in Grant Morrison's Animal Man #25 in that comic book limbo place for forgotten characters:

Good riddance.