Wednesday, September 26, 2007

All-Star Batman and Robin #7: Live Running Commentary...Again!

It's that time again! This thing is coming out more or less on schedule now! It's creeping me out!

Now, once again, I will read this for the first time and post my running commentary. When you hear Batman kick you in the teeth, it's time to turn the page.


CRUNCH!

Before I get started I just want to say that as soon as I picked up this comic I launched into a giant sneezing fit. So maybe I am allergic to All-Star Batman and Robin.

Page 1 - "Striking TERROR. Best part of the job." Isn't striking terror the only part of the job?

CRUNCH!

Page 2 - "You don't know from screwed, you losers!" This gets my vote for worst Batman quote ever.

CRUNCH!

Page 3 - "Let me take you to school, suckers!" Ok, we have a new winner.
Also, Batman really gets off on people shooting each other. I guess.

CRUNCH!

Page 4-5 - "WADS"???!!!! Batman used the word 'wads'!!!!

CRUNCH!

Page 6 - Oh man. I am really glad that I didn't actually buy this. So Batman just called one guy "sweetheart," another guy "boy of mine" and all of this is making "Black Canary" (who is Irish, for whatever reason) very hot.

CRUNCH!

Page 7 - Oh, come on. Selina's not a smoker.
Yes, of all the crap on this page, that's what bothers me.

CRUNCH!

Page 8 - WHA?! NO!! YARG! I...can't believe this. At all.

CRUNCH!

Page 9 - I am so confused about what this is supposed to be. Clearly, it's a joke. I mean, it has to be, right? So my question then is, why is someone with so much obvious contempt for comic books allowed to write this comic? Let me write it! It would be so delightful!

CRUNCH!

Page 10 - So, what is Dick Grayson doing during all this? Starving in the Batcave? Sharpening his axe? Eating rats?

CRUNCH!

Page 11 - ??????!!!!!!

CRUNCH!

Page 12 - Hey, it's Robin! "I have no idea how long I've been here, in the Bat-Cave." Yeah, neither do I. I am pretty lost on the time frame of this comic. How many nights since Dick's parents were killed? Was it this same night? And didn't he leave the cave to play with that axe at one point? Or was that in the cave? Meh. Next Page.

CRUNCH!

Page 13 - 14 - Seriously, if I see one more person throw up in one of my comics this week...

CRUNCH!

Page 15-16 - Well, this is messed up.

CRUNCH!

Page 17-18 - At this point I would believe anything. It would not surprise me if I turn the page to find that Robin has chopped that guy's head off. And then the next page is a giant orgy.

CRUNCH!

Page 19 - 20 - Normally I would kind of love Batman leaning on his car like that. But this isn't any kind of Batman I want to know.

CRUNCH!

Page 21 - Oh, well, terrific. (The Joker has pierced ears?!)

Aaaand we're done. Ouch. This exceeded my expectations of shittiness. Way to go, DC.

19 comments:

John Foley said...

I just read this one at the shop (without paying for it, sorry), and...
WOW.
It's obvious that Miller is just pulling our legs, because there's just no way he thinks that this is any good. It's just plain awful, and aggressively so. And every issue is worse than the one before.
I'm glad he's having such a good time at our expense. I guess the fat paychecks make it worthwhile.
What I don't get is- does Frank Miller just not care at all about his reputation anymore? And did he really not have a decent Batman story left in him?
I'm gonna go back and read Year One just to cleanse my palate.

Patrick said...

So did Batman and Black Canary... do it? The commentary made it sound like they did, but they got re-dressed very quickly if that's the case. And it apparently took 3 or 4 days just to get from the circus to the Batcave, so maybe time just works differently in Gotham.

And how about the line about Superman not knowing he can fly?

Such a weird comic.

rachelle said...

Yeah...I think they did it. And I think they left their clothes on. Cause Batman has a feature in his costume just for that.

SallyP said...

I actually just cannot bring myself to buy and read this, so thank you for filling me in on the "highlights".

And it is also nice to confirm my originaly opinion, that Frank Miller is having a colossal laugh at our expense.

Pastor Gavin said...

The sad thing about this mess is that I was recently re-watching the Batman Begins DVD extras and there was a documentary about Batman comics that basically turned into a big ad for this title at the end. They made it sound like this awesome new take on Batman that anybody could jump in on.

I'm somewhat scared that someone might have picked up this comic based on that DVD, and come to think that comics are everything they feared they might be.

Bha'ral said...

No. Way.

I actually really loved this comic! Ok, ok, I know, I'm sounding like one of those weird fan-people who post on forums with ridiculous opinions, like, say, "All Star Batman & Robin" matches, say, "All Star Superman".
Which it doesn't.

And no, I didn't buy this issue - I bought the first two then got outta there. But now? I really want it! I agree, Miller is having a collossal laugh, and he's wiping Batman's image, and so on and so on.

But it's still pretty damn funny. "You don't know from screwed, you losers!" How can you not grimace at the lows Batman is going to, AND at the same time laugh? Because, let's face it, the entire premise of Batman is ridiculous, the dude wouldn't last more than a month doing what he does!

Miller treating Batman as he does (to me, and here's where I begin the defence! Incidentally? Firefox? That is a totally correct spelling of defence, thanks a bunch stupid yankee spellcheck) ... where was I?

Oh yeah - Miller treating Batman as he does, well, it's pushing the ridiculous from just the fact that men can fly and so on, to the fact that these people are probably bat-shit insane. Look, it's a giant joke, and no, it's not really that good - I have no idea where the plot is going - but it *is* a new take on Batman (to me - I'm not that well comic versed) and it does fit in with what the man is.

Suave? Debonair? Really? Wayne is a lunatic, to be honest!

Anyway, I quite enjoyed it - sorry, long ramble, work is slow today!

ciao ciao!

Bha'ral said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rachelle said...

I'm all for comics that poke fun at comics, but this one just isn't that funny. It's more of a big fuck you to comics, rather than something clever.

Especially after reading the brilliance that is Azarello's Doctor Thirteen story that awesomely satirizes DC, I think ASB&R is pretty sad. It's like the comic book version of some asshole who goes on messageboards and calls everyone a fag and constantly claims that Carnage could kick Batman's ass.

John Foley said...

If I wanted to read some big, dumb, fun comic I would read Nextwave.
This isn't fun. It's ugly and stupid. Not to mention irritating. And completely disrespectful to my favorite character.
Maybe Miller has convinced himself that he's doing something ingenious, but I have yet to see it. Rick Veitch did a better deconstructive hatchet job on the Batman archetype in Brat Pack. And Brat Pack wasn't even that good. Still better than this drivel though.

FlatlineJack said...

I think we all could have dealt with this comic if DC had agreed to name these new spin-offs what they were obviously pitched as. "All-Star" was clearly Miller and Morrison's second choice, the first being "Goddamn".

Think of it, you pop by your local shop and the sign in the window says "This Week: Goddamn Superman!"
Or "well, the movie took a little from Canon Batman and some of the storylines from Goddamn Batman"

Or announcements like "Well, in the mainstream DC universe, Blue Beetle is a flabby entrepreneur, but I just read that in the Goddamn Universe he's going to be a Russian Gymnast!"

To finalize, let's look at a post of yours from earlier this year and see how much more awesome it would be:

Things that I will never care about:

- Anything involving zombies
- Anything 'Goddamn'
- Fairy Tales

And then people like me can get all bent out of shape and say "You just don't like Goddamn books because you've never read one! The Goddamn line brought me back to comics!"

Andrew Clark said...

"- Fairy Tales"

Does this mean you've never read Fables, Jack? That's too bad!

I doubt I would enjoy reading this book. What I do enjoy? Reading blogs that make fun of it.

rachelle said...

Oh, I've read some Fables. I was more talking about those X-Men and Spider-Man Fairy Tales books Marvel puts out.

Andrew Clark said...

Those have gotten decent reviews, from what I've seen, but I haven't read any of them.

They remind me of this one Elseworlds story where the Riddler is a giant bug with a staff 'Robin' Drake has to fight Etrigran and a whole lot of wild stuff happens. Batman actually plays a pretty kickass role in it, too.

Ah, "Riddle of the Beast" is the title. Thanks, wikipedia!

Batmanisgrim said...

You just know someone is going to take this entire series and redo all the captions.
The "Goddamn Stuff" is what baffles me. I noticed in the last issue the word showed up a lot. Since it was a year between issues I wonder if Frank Miller, realizing the reaction it got, decided to put the word in the comic as many times as he could.

Captain Incredible said...

I just read this along with Rachelle's review - got a bucket?

The only reason I can think why the book's finally on time is that Miller's phoning it in.

I mean, Batman isn't a motormouth. He doesn't laugh maniacally or waste breath on schoolboy lines. In fact, if you lose the laughter and everything but 'This is pain' up to the point where Canary jumps in, it's be far more effective.

Things settle down a bit once they're in the goddamn car, but then what? He drops her home and goes back to the cave.

"Dick? I'm back. I brought takeout."

Nope, sorry...

I bought this from the start, as much because it was Batman as because it was a Miller/Lee co-production. I think I might stop now.

And if this is Miller's idea of giving the finger to comics, isn't he by extension doing it to us as well?

Well, right back at ya, Frank...

Reynolds said...

I can't believe that Rachelle found a Batman that she doesn't like. This Batman is supposed to be a younger version of the "Dark Knight Returns" guy. What did you think of the older Batman in that story.

rachelle said...

Oh man, there are a lot of Batman stories that I don't like. Do you have any idea how many bad Batman stories have been written?

I was fine with the older version in DKR because he's...older. Like, it makes some sense that he would be cranky and jaded and insane at that age and in that future that Miller created. I like DKR a lot, but I don't like the idea that Batman was always a crazy, jaded asshole. It's just lazy.

Viagra said...

This is just a new bad Batman storyline... nothing new, there have been bad stories, there are bad stories and there will be bad stories, we just need to turn a blind eye on them.

site said...

This cannot have effect in actual fact, that is what I think.