Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Lois Lane: Girl Chef

If there is one thing I love as much as comic books, it's food. Logically, I then also love this classic story from Lois Lane #1.

It begins when Lois overhears some sound advice on how to get a man to propose to you. Naturally, this interests her due to her unhealthy obsession with Superman. Check out the Daily Planet's love advice columnist:

You know that dude is getting it regular.

So Lois is thinking about making Superman a home-cooked meal. But then she's like "But why stop there when I can do something totally insane?!"

Perry White is so drunk in that panel.

Right, so Lois gets a job as a chef, and also gets a week off her job as a reporter (besides that gripping article she's expected to turn in about her life as a short-order cook).

The bait is set...let's see if Superman bites...

"Doo-de-doo...flying around and...WHA?! Steak?! Whoosh!"

Oh, Lois. That is not how you cook a steak. Salamander ovens are for nachos and other things that need melting. You are being crazy.

So everything seems to be coming up Lois, until...

Oh no! Superman's heat vision has ruined what would have been a perfectly mediocre steak!

So I guess Lois is putting in 12-hour days at the diner.

Oh how I wish there was a pancake that made you a Man of Steel rather than a Man of Tummy Aches.

So Lois's false promises about the pancakes draw in a pretty big crowd. So big that she can't handle it and has to take on an adorable sous chef:

Superman works hard. So hard, in fact, that when he is done there is no pancake batter left for him!
Lois once again resorts to false advertising, and then goes about making a big-ass sundae. Which, I'm just going to say this, has really nothing to do with cooking.

Giant sundae...seems foolproof right? WRONG! Look at how horribly and absurdly wrong this goes:
Ok, before I even get into Superman's crazy plan to stop an icicle from falling, let's talk about those ice cream flavours: Red, Yellow and Blueberry. Red and Yellow are not flavours.

And Superman...it just seems like you easily could have flown there and caught that icicle in the time it took you to warm up that plate using superfriction, and throw it across the city. That implies that objects you throw move faster than you can, and I just don't buy that.

Also, your solution just means that all of those people are going to get wet.

Superman has a complicated solution to every problem:

Clark Kent shows up at the diner the next day, but Lois is unimpressed. Jimmy has to stand while he eats:
Ok, are you ready for the reason why Superman needs to return to the diner? It isn't because he wants Lois to see him enjoying her food. That would be far too kind. It's because of this:

WHAT?! Wouldn't Clark Kent's fingerprints be on lots of things that Lois has access too? Like, things around the office? So here's Superman's crazy solution to a simple problem:

Would she notice, Superman? Would she? What about super speed? Can't you fly to the moon and back without people noticing?

This story does have a pretty adorable ending though:

Superman's little wink at the reader "I said 'I love you' because she helped a man in the hospital, not because I actually love her. That would be gross!"


First said...

Why are Lois' dream soup messages taunting her?

SallyP said...

Ummm...did anyone ever ask if Lois could actually...cook? She DOES seem to have a rather slapdash approach to things.

Superman always seemed to be having too much fun at Lois's expense. Which doesn't stop me from enjoying the heck of of it.

Sea_of_Green said...

Superman really doesn't NEED to eat, though, does he?

And I don't think I'd wanna try "super-food." Just the thought of what it could do to one's innards is rather disturbing.

ThePariah said...

And I don't think I'd wanna try "super-food." Just the thought of what it could do to one's innards is rather disturbing.

You'd need a super-loo afterwards.

Scott said...

Why are Lois' dream soup messages taunting her?

Presumably because Superman has access to Dr Destiny's Materioptikon, and can torment her in her dreams.

I guess maybe Superman gets bored just using his heat vision and super-breath to melt and freeze things. Although Mark Evanier's Kirby omnibuses mention that the Superman editors routinely made up lots of stupid rules about which powers to show or not show. Maybe because he used his heat vision to fix the subway rail he couldn't use it again to melt the deadly(?) icicle?

Person of Consequence said...

Superman doesn't seem to find it particularly odd that Lois would mix up pancakes and plates--she's just a little confused. I guess when you have as many uses for plates as Superman does, confusing them for pancakes is no big deal.

Scott said...

So he's worried that Lois will check his fingerprints on the salt-shaker, but he's not at all worried about the chewed and digested lump of metal clogging up the Daily Planet's men's room? Man, plumbers must be constantly pulling stuff out of those toilets. Bomb fragments, nuclear materials, evidence of Clark Kent's dual life...

Jacob T. Levy said...

I'd be willing to pretend, in a comic-book kind of way, that Superman prefers to solve problems long-distance (heat vision, super-breath, flying hot plates) because flying around the city at super-speed unnecessarily increases the number and severity of low-altitude sonic booms.

Of course, that still doesn't explain not just using heat vision on the icicle from a distance.

I like the Byrne/ Lois & Clark-era view that Lois is a lousy cook. She's a big city driven career woman who's constantly traveling for her job or at least working late; she *should* be a lousy cook. And it puts a decisive break between her and the would-be Super-Housewife of the Silver Age.

Viagra said...

Lois wanted to make a meal for Superman and ended up needing his help to cook... Talk about back fire. She should have just made an invitation home.

Viagra Online said...

hahaha superman cooking ok that's just sad... I really hate comics...