This Week's Haul: The Sexiest Week Ever

So many Batmans this week. Adorable Batman. Horny Batman. Retro Dickweed Batman. Loving Father Figure Batman. Grumpy Wedding Invite Decliner Batman.

There were other characters too. But mostly Batman.

It's a sexy week for comics all around. Let's have a look:

Catwoman #71

Rachelle cannot come to the phone right now because she has MELTED INTO A PUDDLE OF GOO after reading this comic.

Behold Batman holding Helena:

Ok, I try not to be, like, a girl, but I just really lose it over Batman and Catwoman. I want them to be together forever.

And then...Selina asks Bruce to help her "kill" herself and her daughter so bad guys will stop going after her. So they come up with this crazy scenario where Bruce dresses up like a crazed suicide bomber:

He blows the three of them up, or so it seems, and Catwoman is free to start a new life. Which we'll see starting in the next issue, but I assume involves the Outsiders. I hope it involves Bruce Wayne, but that's me being a girl again. She's the only woman I'll accept as Batman's lady...except me.

Superman/Batman #40

Bitch, you best back off.

I do not know much about Bekka, other than:

a) she is Orion's wife and a New God;
b) she is a giant ho.

While I appreciated the amount of naked Batman in this issue, I did not appreciate Little Miss No-Pants pawing him:

Nor did I appreciate how into it Bruce was:

Oh what, Bruce? You've never seen a woman wearing nothing but a dish towel over her ass before?

She's such a skank. Look at how she prays:

Anyway, Miss Thang and Batman have to do something or other together. I was trying to focus on something other than wanting to smack Bekka down, but Batman was not helping:

What sorcery are you using on my poor Batman, witch?!

ARGH! DIE!

Birds of Prey #110

Huntress is awesome. And so is Tony Bedard.

Robin #166

And now a public service announcement from Robin:

The more you know, kids!

This whole page was very cute...Bruce has been all cranky about Tim wanting to join the school tennis team. Which, I gotta say, is pretty obnoxious of Bruce.
Good for you, Tim! Stand up to him!

Captain America #30

My monthly hit of my delicious Winter Soldier.

I love you, baby.

But wait! What's this?

He can be shut down just by saying a single word? Don't we wish all men could have that feature? Am I right, ladies? Holla!

Tony Stark is being all emo:

Tony, you have to do what makes you happy.

Meanwhile, Sharon's complicated life doesn't get any easier:

Cue soap opera music!

Oh, girl. You have to have Captain America's baby. It will be the most awesome baby.

And this complicated my life:

So sexy! And yet...Tony Stark! Argh! I'm so confused!

Big shocker ending on this comic! You should read it!

Countdown Week 32

I just really like that cover. Very cute.

We get to see Black Canary's Bachelorette party for the third time in this comic. But this time Piper and Trickster are there...trying to steal car keys so they can make a break for it. It's pretty fun.

And we get to see more of the party, including Wonder Woman being Captain Bring-Down:

I think it might be too late for those girls being exposed to sexist objectification, Wonder Woman. I mean, they have mirrors, right? (Zing!)

I do appreciate her effort, though.

The Green Arrow/Black Canary Wedding Special

I think that Judd Winick and Amanda Conner are a great match. They both have a goofy playfulness to what they do, so this ended up being pretty fun.

Plus, Judd Winick is a pretty big superhero friendships nerd, so I think he was the right man for the job for this.

I loved this dig at Connor:

Vegan food and slide shows! Oh man, slide shows! It's true. And I love that whole bottom panel of the party-clothes superheroes.

This scene between Wonder Woman and Superman was absolutely adorable:

So cute. Too bad he wasn't right about all that "no evil to be found" stuff. The wedding kinda had some problems.

I enjoyed all the Snapper Carr bashing in this:

I enjoyed this. I laughed out loud quite a few times. Amanda Conner was a great choice for the art because no one does cheesecake better than her. And there was a lotta sexy action in this.

And of course A BIG SHOCKER ENDING!

JLA/Hitman #1

This was fun! I was skeptical because I don't really enjoy Garth Ennis's cynicism toward superheroes, but I liked this. It was a fun 90s throwback, and I liked having a follow-up story to Hitman #34, which had Superman having a heart-to-heart with Tommy on a rooftop.

The highlight for me was definitely Batman chewing Kyle out for once working with Tommy, only to be interrupted by Superman entering the room:


Hilarious.

This was great. Looking forward to the next one.

Aquaman #56

I love this comic. It's fun, intelligent, great-looking, well-written and funny. So of course it's been canceled.

I'm miserable. I'm not kidding when I say that this was one of the comics that I looked most forward to every month.

I mean, just look at how great this page is!:

That's a fun page!

What I really like about Tad Williams' writing is that his characters have a very natural way of speaking. There's a lot of dialogue, and it's quippy, but not in a Bendis way. I have nothing against Bendis, but the dialogue sounds a lot more scripted in his comics. I mean, it's a comic book so you can expect some over-dramatic and clunky dialogue, but I thought the writing really stood out on this series. And the story was really exciting. I'm very sad that there is only one issue left. Boooooooo!

World War Hulk #4

We finally get to see Dr Strange, Iron Man, Mr Fantastic and Black Bolt fight each other in a gladiator arena. But we don't get to see enough of it, in my opinion. I was really looking forward to some crazy gladiator action. I guess I wouldn't have been satisfied with anything short of a major motion picture. (Oh, wouldn't that have been great? If WWHulk had just been leading up to a two hour movie of the four of them wailing on each other?).

It woulda looked a little something like this:

Reed is totally gonna smash Tony with that mace!

Good times.

Marvel Adventures: Avengers #16



Speaking of good times, this was awesome!!

Stark gets some battlesuits stolen from him, and the Avengers have to fight them.

Also, Hawkeye is there!

And Iron Man gets his pants melted off!

Aw, remember when the Avengers were fun?

Tales of the Sinestro Corps: Parallax

It's a good week for Kyle fans because you get a lot of him in this, and in JLA/Hitman.

And in this, he is super dreamy:

Man, it's a good week for hotness in my comics this week. Thanks, comics!

I enjoyed this. It was emotional and exciting and stuff.

And Kyle put his old outfit on!

It's one of those A-Hero-Battles-His-Evil-Self-Inside-His-Own-Mind comics, but that never really gets old, does it?

Superman Doomsday on DVD

Hoo boy.

Ok, this movie was flawed to say the very least. For one thing, it is way too dark and violent for kids (I lost count of the number of necks being snapped) and way too boring and lame for adults. It's just not a good movie. I'm not a fan of this story line in the comics, but this was infinitely worse. And that's too bad.

Also, it was very, very gay. And by 'gay,' I mean 'homoerotic.' And not in a good way. In the way that Lex Luthor makes a Superman clone specifically so he can take his frustrations out on him. He beats him around while wearing Kryptonite gloves and no shirt, yelling things like "Why did you leave me?!" Then he straddles him, leans in so their faces are an inch apart, and says, I swear to God, "Who's your daddy?" And I fell out of my chair. It's messed right up.

Again, not really for kids. Besides the parade of spinal snappings and Lex's sexual dysfunctions, there are scenes like, oh, I don't know, LEX SHOOTING MERCY IN THE FACE, POINT BLANK!

Cartoons are fun!

Cheer me up and win a prize.

A couple of items:

Everyone who sent me a mix CD will be getting one back from me very shortly in the mail. My CD burner has been very useless lately, but I managed to get enough CDs burned off finally. Thanks again to everyone who sent me a CD.

And now...A NEW CONTEST!

As you may know, I recently started grad school. I haven't been in school for over five years, nor have I really branched out in terms of my social circles. Going to business school has reminded me of something that rarely occurs to me: most people don't read comics. At all.

It is the minority of the population that has an opinion on Kyle Rayner as Parallax. Or that knows who either of those people are. Or who knows what a Green Lantern is. Did you know that there are literally millions of people who aren't counting down to anything? Who are completely unaware that the Hulk has declared war on all humanity? Who did not choose a side in the Civil War? Who have not pondered, even for a second, what they would do with One More Day?

Entering a new social group has been a jarring reminder that I am a weirdo. An outcast. A, dare I say, Outsider. If I were to ask any one of my classmates how awesome it's going to be when Winter Soldier confronts Iron Man, they would have no idea what I was talking about. And would probably take my lunch money.

If there were one person in my class who did read comics, I would have an instant friend. I know such things have happened to other people. It's a nice community that we are all a part of.

So, I would like to hear some stories. Tell me about times where you were able to connect with someone because of comic books. We're all shameless about our love of comics on the internet, but sometimes in real life it's harder to talk about. Some people will just never understand.

Perhaps your story involves:

- wearing a comic-related shirt or button or some such thing and a stranger notices and strikes up a conversation;
- ...maybe it led to romance?
- a group situation where you don't know anyone and a mutual love of comics is discovered;
- a time where a love of comics saved your life (man, that would be great)

Or something like that. I just basically want warm, fuzzy stories about how great it is to be part of the comic book community.

And, of course, there are prizes. Once again generously donated by Calum Johnston at Strange Adventures. Anyone who posts a story, either in the comments or on their own blog with a link in the comments, will be entered. I will draw five names at the end of, say, two weeks, and they will win one of the following exciting prizes:

1. Daredevil #82 Steve McNiven variant cover signed by Steve McNiven
2. The Sandman #50 signed by Neil Gaiman
3. One of three copies of Nexus #99 signed by Steve Rude

So there you go. Tell me a nice story, because I am feeling lonely and awkward.

Rating the Super Hunks #14: Jonah Hex

If you haven't figured this out about me yet, I will tell you now: I love cowboys. A western movie does not have to have much of a plot to keep me entertained. I just want cowboys walking around talking and dressing like cowboys and shooting stuff.

I also love western comics, but especially Jonah Hex. I can't even remember when I first discovered the character, but he was an instant favourite.

Now, at first glance, you might say he is in no way sexy and should not even be considered a Super Hunk. You are WRONG and I intend to prove it.

Let's cover up one eye and rate everyone's favourite bounty hunter

JONAH HEX

Costume/Appearance: Well...what can we say?

Let's just get costume out of the way first. Jonah wears a Confederate soldier's uniform. While that may be a little gauche, it certainly looks cool.

No doubt about it.

Now, moving on to appearances...

Let's be clear: one half of Jonah Hex is perfectly attractive. Hot, even. But the other half is pretty much as gross as a face can look. I don't know if he looks worse than Two-Face, but the little bridge of skin over his lip makes me want to say 'yes.'

Jonah has been drawn with varying levels of grossness. Sometimes he just has a big eye and a messed up mouth. Sometimes he has what looks like raw hamburger for a face. It's definitely an obstacle that anyone who is interested in him would have to get over. Fortunately for Jonah, a surprising number of women have totally been willing to overlook his massive disfiguration.


Well, there you go. Jonah Hex gets action. Regular action. Possibly more than Bruce Wayne. I think it speaks volumes about how awesome he is (which we'll get to in the next section).

I mean, the good half of Jonah Hex looks pretty much exactly like young Clint Eastwood. Perfectly attractive. Shame about that other side.

Because he's half hot, I think a fair grade would be

5/10

Personality: Jonah Hex has that whole emotionless "I'm only here to kill people and get paid" exterior that women love so much. He's gruff to the extreme, lacking charm and simple good manners.

What he lacks in gentle good humour, he makes up for with total and complete badassedness. He kills people. Lots of people. And he takes great pleasure in dishing out pain and ironic punishment to terrible people. If he gets paid.


Everyone in the Jonah Hex universe is terrified of him. His legend is known throughout the land, and anyone who challenges him is definitely going to die. I like that in a man.

He's also calm in any situation, whether he's chained to a rock, being strung up, or suddenly transported thousands of years into the future, dude is in control.

I actually have no problem with his personality. He's probably the sanest comic hero out there. I guess I'll knock off a couple points for being a grumpy gus.

8/10

Day Job: Jonah Hex is a bounty hunter. That's pretty much his whole deal. And he's very good at it.


10/10

Sexiness of Superpowers: Jonah Hex doesn't need superpowers.

10/10

Cons: Besides the fact that it's hard to look at him without throwing up, I should mention that Jonah once totally cheated on his pregnant wife:

And while he was doing it she was totally baking him a birthday cake. Not cool, Hex.

Nice one, douche.

I'm taking off five points for that little stunt. And for the lip bridge. Again.

- 5

Final Score: 28/40

See? Basically Jonah Hex is a perfect man with a messed up face. If you're too shallow to look past that then you don't deserve him.