Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Rating the Super Hunks #14: Jonah Hex

If you haven't figured this out about me yet, I will tell you now: I love cowboys. A western movie does not have to have much of a plot to keep me entertained. I just want cowboys walking around talking and dressing like cowboys and shooting stuff.

I also love western comics, but especially Jonah Hex. I can't even remember when I first discovered the character, but he was an instant favourite.

Now, at first glance, you might say he is in no way sexy and should not even be considered a Super Hunk. You are WRONG and I intend to prove it.

Let's cover up one eye and rate everyone's favourite bounty hunter


Costume/Appearance: Well...what can we say?

Let's just get costume out of the way first. Jonah wears a Confederate soldier's uniform. While that may be a little gauche, it certainly looks cool.

No doubt about it.

Now, moving on to appearances...

Let's be clear: one half of Jonah Hex is perfectly attractive. Hot, even. But the other half is pretty much as gross as a face can look. I don't know if he looks worse than Two-Face, but the little bridge of skin over his lip makes me want to say 'yes.'

Jonah has been drawn with varying levels of grossness. Sometimes he just has a big eye and a messed up mouth. Sometimes he has what looks like raw hamburger for a face. It's definitely an obstacle that anyone who is interested in him would have to get over. Fortunately for Jonah, a surprising number of women have totally been willing to overlook his massive disfiguration.

Well, there you go. Jonah Hex gets action. Regular action. Possibly more than Bruce Wayne. I think it speaks volumes about how awesome he is (which we'll get to in the next section).

I mean, the good half of Jonah Hex looks pretty much exactly like young Clint Eastwood. Perfectly attractive. Shame about that other side.

Because he's half hot, I think a fair grade would be


Personality: Jonah Hex has that whole emotionless "I'm only here to kill people and get paid" exterior that women love so much. He's gruff to the extreme, lacking charm and simple good manners.

What he lacks in gentle good humour, he makes up for with total and complete badassedness. He kills people. Lots of people. And he takes great pleasure in dishing out pain and ironic punishment to terrible people. If he gets paid.

Everyone in the Jonah Hex universe is terrified of him. His legend is known throughout the land, and anyone who challenges him is definitely going to die. I like that in a man.

He's also calm in any situation, whether he's chained to a rock, being strung up, or suddenly transported thousands of years into the future, dude is in control.

I actually have no problem with his personality. He's probably the sanest comic hero out there. I guess I'll knock off a couple points for being a grumpy gus.


Day Job: Jonah Hex is a bounty hunter. That's pretty much his whole deal. And he's very good at it.


Sexiness of Superpowers:
Jonah Hex doesn't need superpowers.


Besides the fact that it's hard to look at him without throwing up, I should mention that Jonah once totally cheated on his pregnant wife:

And while he was doing it she was totally baking him a birthday cake. Not cool, Hex.

Nice one, douche.

I'm taking off five points for that little stunt. And for the lip bridge. Again.

- 5

Final Score: 28/40

See? Basically Jonah Hex is a perfect man with a messed up face. If you're too shallow to look past that then you don't deserve him.


SallyP said...

Ok, I have to admit that I am totally in love with Jonah Hex.

*sigh* He's just so DREAMY! In a rather disturbed sort of way of course. And he's always getting his shirt torn off, and getting tied up and stuff.

Yeah, half of his face is rather disgusting, but the other half is just fine. And he may be cranky, but at least he's honest and has a (warped) sense of humor.

Frankly I don't blame him in the least for cheating on Mei Ling. Man was SHE annoying! She kept trying to turn him into a farmer! And she was a nag, and whiny and ran off with another guy in the end. A FRIEND of his, no less.

So yeah, Jonah is pretty cool.

rachelle said...

This is all true. But still...birthday cake! Pregnant!

But she should know that no woman can tie Hex down. The man has to roam. And kill people for money.

FoldedSoup said...


Jess Nukem said...

I think Arseface is dreamier. :p

Anonymous said...

On the cover of Booster Gold #3 Michael looks remarkably calm around him.

Just saying is all.

rachelle said...

I think he's remarkably drunk.

I can't even tell you how excited I am for that comic.

Patrick C said...

Jonah Hex over Captain America AND Booster Gold? That's rough.

rachelle said...

Ehn...what's Captain America done lately?

Actually, I probably should have held off on rating Booster Gold. He's kinda saving the whole multiverse right now, and I gotta say, it's pretty hot.

Anonymous said...

Captain America is all about the 'roids and hangin' out with a young boy while Booster Gold is a narcissistic douche with a a jet-powered Simon ® game named Skeets. My theory is that chicks dig scars, so Jonah wins hands down? Frankly, it makes me want to disfigure myself.

Viagra said...

What is it with girls and cowboys, or outlaws for that matter. It's not the first time that i read about a girl liking an outlaw just for the rush

viagra online pharmacy said...

I like Jonah Hex stories because I feel like identify with the character and it's life.