Maybe they could draw comics if their hands weren't always full of chocolate...

An actual conversation between me and a customer today:

Dude: It's weird to see girls reading comics.
Me: Yeah, well, there are a lot of us.
Dude: Because comics are usually for guys. It's an old boy's club.
Me: Yes. It's changing.
Dude (not listening to a word I say): There's never really been any women who write or draw comics.
Me: Actually, there are quite a few.
Dude: It'd be something to see a woman drawing comics like a man.
Me: There are women drawing comics, er...like a man. (Go into detail talking about Amanda Conner).
Dude (ignoring me): Yeah, it'd be something to see a woman draw a comic.
Me: Is this...a prank?
Dude: Because women don't really like violence and men like violence.
Me (considering stabbing him): I like violence.
Dude: It'd be something if a woman was writing comics.
Me: THERE ARE WOMEN WRITING COMICS!
Dude: Mainstream comics, I mean. Like the ones men like.
Me (deep breath): Gail Simone is currently the main writer on The Atom, Wonder Woman, and a number of titles for Wildstorm.
Dude: A woman took over Doom Patrol after Morrison, and it went downhill. And a woman wrote Swamp Thing after what's-his-name, and it went downhill...
Me: Well, I think it's hard for anyone to follow ALAN MOORE or Grant Morrison.
Dude: Any woman?
Me: NO. AnyONE. Anyone at all.
Dude: Women can't really draw the way that men like.
Me: ....
Dude (hauling random volume of Swamp Thing off shelf, opening to random page): Like this...now, I know this is a scary picture...
Me: Uh, yeah...I love that series. It's really good. I'm sure a woman somewhere on Earth can draw that page.
Dude: Can you imagine? If a woman could draw that.
Me (REALLY wishing I could draw that so I could just throw down): I...no. No I can't imagine that. It's just too crazy. Please close that book now. That picture is making me faint with terror.


So there you have it. We still have a long way to go, apparently.

This Week's Haul: So Very Late

Once again, these reviews are ridiculously late. I have my stupid financial accounting exam tomorrow night, and then I'm free until January 7th! Sweeeeet!

Countdown Week 21
Trickster is still dead and Piper is still sad. So am I.

Countdown: Arena #1

And the Lord sayeth to Monarch "Build an arena 300 cubits by 300 cubits, and bring into the arena three of every superhero. Preferably you will choose the most ridiculous of each superhero. And make them fight to the death, for I am bored."

This, folks, is the definition of entertainment for the lowest common denominator.

I don't even know what to say about it. It's ridiculous and bad and I really, really don't understand why this "event" is happening.

Justice League of America #15

I am so close to dropping this, and that is just wrong. I'm a big JLA fan. I'm a big McDuffie fan. So why does this suck? I dunno, but it does.

It's just generally not fun or interesting. And it's full of really awkward jokes.

And also, who's drawing this thing? Sisqo?

Thong-thong-thong-thong-thong.

Canary's got dumps like a truck!

The All-New Atom #18

Ah! Now here's the best JLA-related story I've read in awhile! And the best Wonder Woman story I've read in awhile!

I actually totally adored this issue. I loved every panel. Like this one:

And this one:

And also The Atom being burned alive on a Ted Grant (snicker) Indoor Grill! And Wonder Woman licking her thumb and rubbing the blood off the Atom's head! So good.

But please don't let The Head be dead!

Avengers The Initiative Annual #1

Awesome! Not only is this everything I hope for when I pick up an annual, it's the first comic to move the Skrull storyline along in awhile. Everything interesting that is happening in the Marvel universe is happening in this series (and in the ones that Brubaker writes, of course, but those are, like, their own universe. An awesome universe).

Everyone is talking about Skrulls over in The New Avengers, but in The Initiative we're seeing some honest-to-God Skrulls. And some great back stories for all the main characters.

World War Hulk: Aftersmash

Hulk smashed. New York is a mess. Iron Man is an insufferable prick.

The most awesome thing about this comic is the Mini Marvels comic at the back.

So, so good. Marvel needs to put these into every comic. And release a book that collects them.

Please note Daredevil in the upper right corner of this panel:

I did a spit-take.

Jonah Hex #26

Man. This was messed up. I read this right before bed and I had a bad case of the jeeblies. This story is probably going to stay with me for awhile.

It was really awesome, though. And the art was fantastic!

Robin #169

Beautiful art! Lame tie-in! I mean, seriously, how many times have I heard this story?

Totally Evil Guy: "I can bring your loved ones back from the dead, all you have to do is whatever crazy thing I say!"

Noble Hero: "Really?"

Totally Evil Guy: "Yup. For reals."

Usually Very Intelligent Hero: "Well...alright then."

Other Hero(es) Present: "You probably shouldn't listen to that guy. He's evil."

Disappointing Hero: "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! WHY SHOULD I BE ALLOWED TO LIVE WHEN MY PARENTS/SISTER/GIRLFRIEND/SIDEKICK/BROTHER/BEST FRIEND/UNCLE BEN IS DEAD?!"

Other Hero(es): "Yeah, that sucks...but the thing is, you're probably just going to die, and then the evil guy won't actually bring back your loved ones. I mean, why would he?"

Dumb Hero: "Screw you! I'm doing it!"

Comic: TO BE CONTINUED!

Really, Tim. I expected better from you.

Now, the most important thing to come out this week, of course, is the Saga of the Super Sons trade paperback. It is, hands down, the campiest thing you can own. It's just brilliantly terrible, and everyone should own it. My love/hate relationship for the Super Sons knows no bounds.

Archie Sunday: Inappropriate

Ew.

In other news, I actually am slowly working on this week's comic reviews, but they are now very, very late. I have my final exam tomorrow night. After that, it's Blogfest '07!

Archie Sunday: Rockin' With Dilton

My biggest regret about not having time last week to review comics is that I didn't get to review the supremely awesome "Denim" story in Tales From...Riverdale Digest #25. Please do check it out.

I love a Dilton-centric story. As I keep saying, he's the only person in Riverdale who isn't a complete horror of a human being.

Here's an awesome Dilton story, in which he becomes a rock star.

Ok, so I'm pretty confused about The Archies as a band. Sometimes they seem, like, huge. But the members rarely talk about the band, and they seldom seem to be practicing or anything. This is a rare moment.

But anyway. Here we have them struggling to write songs. Enter Dilton:

Man, what a sweetie.

Ok, when Betty says they haven't written a hit song "in ages," what is she saying? I mean, most bands haven't written a hit song...ever. Do they mean a song that was actually a "hit" and sold lots of records around the world? Or do they just mean it's been awhile since they wrote a song that didn't suck? And is the "hit" that they are referring to "Sugar, Sugar"? I am really confused about this band.

And now to prove my point about the kids of Riverdale being horrible, horrible people:

Guys, he's offering to help you out here. And has he ever been wrong about anything ever?

Well, it's their loss. Dilton storms out of there, leaving them to laugh until they all get bored and go to Pop's to eat a bunch of food and not pay for it.

Yeah! You show 'em, Dilton! I also like that this comic makes a point about the formulaic structure of popular music.

Also, I like that Dilton decides immediately that he needs a keyboardist. That's what I like to see.

Oh the stereotypes. A fat drummer, a black bass player, and an ex-con keyboardist.

Man, Dilton is awesome. Look at that rad recording studio he built!

I don't know about you, but I'd really like to hear those songs. I'll bet they sound like Heaven.

You guys might want to toss around a couple of other band names before you commit. No? Dilton and the Destroyers it is, then. I mean, it actually is pretty great, considering Dilton's appearance and demeanor.

Now we get to see that awesome comic/tv fictional idea of how bands become famous:

Usually you play shows and then get a recording contract. Actually, you usually play many, many shows and then you put out your own CD with your own money. Then you sell that for $5 and burn them yourself when you run out. And then usually you break up.

And once again we get to see the awful, awful Archies sitting around, being useless and mean. He gave you guys tickets. Stop being shitheads. And it's not like he's playing some dinky all-ages club either. Check it out:

"You're in violation"?! Dilton, you are amazing. I love that he didn't change his look at all for the stage show. In fact, the whole band is wearing exactly what they wore to their first rehearsal.

And now the sweet, sweet pay-off: Archie and friends glumly realizing that they probably should have let Dilton write some songs for them.

Dilton! DO NOT write songs for those assholes! I also can't believe the nerve of Jughead, asking Dilton to pay their bill on top of everything else. And Pop is like "Please pay it, Dilton. They are foreclosing on my house!"

So there you have it. Dilton can do anything.

This Week's Haul: One More Day? More like: This comic costs "One More Dollar"

Here's some whirlwind comic reviews comin' at ya!

The Sensational Spider-Man #41

Spidey. Hear me out.

Aunt May is very old. And her husband is dead. I just want you to consider that before you do anything crazy like trade your life as you know it for hers. I know you love her. We all do. But seriously, she is, like, what? 150 years old now? She probably wants to die. And she certainly doesn't want you throwing your life away so she can live the last six months or whatever of hers.
Also, incidentally, your comic books suck.

Sub-Mariner #6

You know what was surprisingly awesome? This mini-series. Particularly this issue. If you missed out, I think it's going to make an excellent little TPB, so watch for it.

This was actually the first comic in a long time that I was so into while I was reading it that I actually got pissed off at the ads. I'd turn the page after an awesome cliffhanger panel and be like "What?! Ad?! Get out of here!" It was a very gripping issue with a great ending.

I'd like to mention this about Marvel: I like what they do with their comics in terms of extra stuff. I like having that front page that summarizes the story up to this point. I like those new pages at the back with a Q&A, and some fun facts about characters, and some other stuff. I'm into it. Fix up, DC.

X-Men First Class #6

Holy lord. What a mess! I mean, the story is as great as always, but it was completely out of order. And that confused me for an embarrassingly long time before I figured out the problem. I assume that Marvel is going to send out corrected issues.

Right, Marvel?

Daredevil #102

It seems like Daredevil comes out every week now. But I am certainly not complaining.

Poor Matt Murdock. Proof that bad things happen to good/borderline psychotic/actually not that good people. This latest helping of sweet, sweet schadenfreude has Milla returning home to Matt, but under 24-hour house arrest surveillance. Matt's happy she's home, but we all know he has no reason to be because something awful is definitely going to happen to her, or him, or both of them very soon.

You know what I'd like? An issue of Daredevil where he wakes up, has a big delicious breakfast, takes a relaxing stroll in the park with a wife who is in no way crazy or sad, and then maybe takes the night off and goes dancing. And maybe eats cake in there somewhere. That guy is in desperate need of a really good day.

Of course, then we wouldn't get to see awesome fights like this:

Batman and the Outsiders #2

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...huh? Whu? Oh right. This is why I always have, and always will, hate The Outsiders.

Awesome! Catwoman and Martian Manhunter are going to be in it! I love those guys...oh, wait. They're leaving forever. And here's that dumb Batgirl I have no time for. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Batman #671

So much talent being wasted on a stupid crossover.

However, the fight between Batman and whatshisface was great. I don't know if I've ever seen Batman's eye shields get smashed up like that. It looked cool.

Also...Batman ended up coming back and winning this fight. Because he is awesome.

Blue Beetle #21

Nice fill-in! This was really enjoyable. The more Traci Thirteen the better, I say!

All-Star Batman and Robin #7

Making fun of this isn't even fun anymore. It just makes fun of itself so effectively that there is no joy in it.

I mean, the cover is The Joker sporting a giant back piece for no reason. In the very first panel Gotham City is called a "whore." Dick makes yet another homophobic remark about Batman being queer. Batman says/does some more things that make it clear that he should not be allowed within five states of a child.

And Green Lantern is an idiot man-child. Usually that would be funny, but it really is just obnoxious here.

I hate this comic. I hate it so much.

Countdown #22

This issue had a perfect example of what's wrong with this series. Mister Miracle shows up to help Jimmy Olsen. He's wearing his old costume, and seems unconcerned that at this very moment he is on a mission with Superman to Apokolips. Why can't this damn comic sync up even slightly to what's happening in the other comics?

Know what else I hated? Trickster dying. And I can't really see a way out of this death. He was shot in the head and the heart. He's fairly dead. And this little scene was heartbreaking:

Nooooooo!!! They were just starting to like each other! I hate you, comics.

Green Lantern Corps #18

This whole issue was one big fight between Superman Prime and the new Ion, Sodam Yat.

Superman Prime continues to be delightfully bratty:

"Read 'em and weep!" I really love how hard Prime tries with the smack talk, but he really just sounds like a giant tool.

I really liked Sodam Yat's back story too.

Superman Annual # 13

Camelot Falls (or should I say Camelot Stalls...zing!) finally gets wrapped up in this annual. Good lord, how long has this story been going on? I know I really enjoyed many issues of it, but it just seems so long ago. We're lucky enough to have three great Superman stories happening in three separate series simultaneously...but they are all moving slower than molasses.

I prefer an annual that stands on its own and is fun with lots of mini stories, but this was fine. The back-up, with lovely art by Renato Guedes, was really cute. I liked the premise of Supergirl trying to cook everyone a traditional Kryptonian meal.

Gotham Underground #2

Sometimes you just want to read a Batman comic that isn't about the resurrection of Ra's al Ghul in anyway. Thank God for Gotham Underground, the totally entertaining criminal-centric 12-part Batman series for the rest of us. If it keeps up the good work, this is going to be my favourite current Batman title.


So close to being done school for four weeks, guys. And when I'm done, I am going to read every comic ever and write about them. I thank you for your patience. As always, I wanna hear what you all thought of this week's comics, including any that I didn't post about. Because chances are good that I read them.

This Week's Haul: Sorry

Well, it's pretty clear that I don't have time to review last week's comics. Sorry about that. After this week, though, I'm all yours.

In the meantime, there is no reason why we can't all enjoy this gallery I put together of THE WORST ART EVER, courtesy of Iron Man Annual #1.

Here's Tony Stark with some undercover S.H.I.E.L.D. agents:

These are S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, people!!!

Let's check out some more of this "mission":

Well, I mean, of course they have to go to a strip club. What mission in comics, movies or television doesn't take the investigators to at least one strip club? And, man, that stripper looks happy to be there. (Incidentally, I don't know how much anarchy punks enjoy strip clubs).

Here are the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents in action. Wearing the most ridiculous attire imaginable:

So she gets a big ol' handprint burned on her chest. Which leads to this INSANELY STUPID panel:

Yeah. Clearly you do not have the rack for low cut dresses.

Here are some more ladies wearing non-clothes:

Yuck.

But to be fair, the worst art in the whole book was reserved for the male lead:

YARGH!! What the hell is wrong with Tony Stark??!!

The cheesecake factor was also equal opportunity. Check out Iron Man's great pressed ham ass:

Man! Is there a sheet of glass on the surface of this panel? That is just fantastic.

Oh, there were lots of good comic this week too. Including not one, but TWO Sophie's Choice-inspired stories. That's pretty astonishing.