Saturday, March 17, 2007

My Spoiler-Free Mini-Review of TMNT

Dear Michelangelo,

I suppose it would be easiest to just come out and say it. I know how you value honesty.

As you probably know, I was in love with you for the better part of two years. Possibly even three, but I tried to downplay it during that last one. Your playful one-liners and carefree attitude, teamed with the fact that you were clearly the most attractive turtle, swept me off my feet. Alas, I was only nine years old, and you were well into your teens. I hoped that you would wait for me.

And now we've met once again, all these years later. I fear that, during our time apart, I have outgrown you. I am now an adult woman, and you remain a teenager, which, I have to say Mikey, is strange.

I was pleased to see that you are still looking well. Time has not dampened your zest for life, nor your sense of humour. You seem to be listening to younger, hipper music that makes me feel old, and perhaps "Spin That Wheel" and "Ninja Rap" were never really as good as I thought they were.

I guess what I am trying to say is, although I am still very fond of you, it is clear that our lives are very different now. You, an adolescent turtle living in the sewers of New York, and I a 26-year-old woman about to enter graduate school. I guess we weren't meant to be.

You will always be my favourite Ninja Turtle. I know most girls were attracted to Raphael's tough-guy loner attitude, but for me it was always you. I wish you all the best with your future, which I hope will be long. No doubt there will be other nine-year-old girls who look at you and hear wedding bells. One of them should be so lucky.



paperghost said...

Allow me to be the first to say, Cowabunga dude.

Also, TMNT gives me nightmares.


Because for Christmas, I demanded a NES (with Turtles game) and it was the only present I could have that was any good because they were so horrifically expensive at the time. Imagine my dismay then, when it turned out that the damn thing DIDN'T WORK.

Stupid Turtles.

Caleb said...

Having just seen TMNT, this is what I'd like to say to Michaelangelo: "Please, please, please--just shut up."

And Rachelle, I think Raph's the better turtle for you anyway. If you got married, yo could be Rachelle Raphael.

Kevin Church said...

My 38-year-old girlfriend is unreasonably excited about the TMNT movie. I suppose I'll have to come up with a way to mention your concerns.

(She loves the first movie. She thinks Splinter's a riot and she liked the fighting. There's none of the psychosexual tension towards one of the titular team that you seem to describe.)

Gloria said...


Ted said...

Not saying anyone wants to see Michelangelo and April consumate their relationship in the most explicit way possible, but . . .


Jeff said...

"If you got married, yo could be Rachelle Raphael."

Does it work like that? Do the Turtles have last names? I mean, if I married Prince tomorrow (and despite being a straight male who is already married, I just might), I wouldn't be Jeff Prince.

I think in those cases, you take their first name. So it would be Raphael [Your Last Name Here].

caleb said...


You can't marry Prince. You're a boy (I think). And he's a boy (I guess). And gay marriage is totally wrong and illegal in America. And Sparta.

In the Turtle continuity that exists only in my mind, Raphael's driver's license reades Raphael R. Raphael (Oh, in my mind they have drivers' licenses too). ALthough the R. doesn't stand for anything, like the S. doesn't in Ulysses S. Grant.

Otherwise, they'd all have to go by something Old English, like "Splinterson," or whatever Splinter's human sensei's last name was...Hoshi? God! I'm not nerdy enough! I don't even remember the dude who trianed Splinter! Ghah!

rachelle said...

If I marry a turtle, I think choosing a last name will be the least of my problems. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to get a home loan?

Johnathan said...

'Rachelle Mutant Ninja Turtle' has a nice ring to it.

rachel said...

Wow, nice to know I'm not the only person head-over-heels in love with a TMNT as a kid, though Donatello's my turtle of choice. I'm concerned though - in the pic you posted, the colors are wrong (putting aside, of course, the fact that they were all originally red). I haven't seen the movie yet - did they change the colors? I'm so confused! Is Donatello the purple mask or the bo? Which is my love??

Totally unrelated - I highly enjoyed your Bob Haney week.

rachelle said...

Good lord! You're right, rachel!

The colours were fine in the actual movie. I don't know what the deal is with this picture. Stupid internet.

Glad you liked Bob Haney Week. It was the best week of my life.