Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My Favourite Archie Comic

Gather round, everyone. It's story time.

I want to share my very favourite Archie comic. It has so many elements I like: Ethel getting a date, Ethel showing up all those stupid jerks and bitches in Riverdale, a dreamy merman with super strength, and a bittersweet ending.

I love Ethel. The rest of Riverdale can burn. It's a town of ghouls. The amount of physical harm those kids do to each other terrifies me. Spawn of Satan, every last one of them. Except Dilton. That guy kinda rules. I don't know why the ladies fight over Archie and Reggie. Dilton is clearly the prize.

Anyway, I'm already off track. Here's the story:

Oh Veronica. You are so awful. When will Ethel finally kick your ass?

Ok, here's where things get awesome:

"I'm real! Here! Touch me!" Damn, I love me a smooth-talking merman. Even with Garfunkel hair.

Poor Ethel. Her esteem is so shot she assumes that merman is making fun of her. I like that she looks like she's thinking about punching him for it (She can't help the violent tendencies. It's the Riverdale upbringing).

Damn, this is mildly sexy, for an Archie comic. Dude gets Ethel to close her eyes while he gets naked and makes a little seaweed skirt for himself. I mean, that thing can't hide much.

I know that Betty is being nice, but she sounds really condescending. Man, don't comic writers realize how damaging it is to have one non-perfect looking female in a comic and then have her be the butt of every joke? It really makes a young female reader believe that she will never get a date because she is awkward-looking. Don't listen to them, Ethel! They are stupid bitches!


Mermen are invincible. Neat.

Veronica, you suck. What if Ethel did hire him from an escort service? It would be better than your stupid date (who, from the looks of things, is Betty).

Here's where Bobby totally serves Veronica:

Awww. What a sad ending. I am really charmed by her having to return his tux for him, for some reason. It's just cute. And that he gets naked again in front of her. Racy!

So there you go. That's pretty much Archie comic perfection right there.

Remember in that Return to Riverdale TV movie when Ethel turned out to be a supermodel? That was nice. She should date Dilton.


Ben said...

Samm Shwartz is totally my favourtie Archie artist. He mostly drew Jughead, who looks alarmingly like Ethel. He also drew the violence which you decry so harshly. Like one where Jughead chases Reggie around with a stick in one hand and a brick in the other. Man, when he gets ahold of Reggie . . . !

Baal said...

Thank you for that really sweet interlude. There's reason that out of all the blogs I check in on regularly, I save yours second to last. I had a crappy day and in a way that was unusual for this blog you ended my day on a nice note. Thank you again!

Johnny B said...

That was a good one, for sure.

Sam Schwartz, for my money, was a heck of a cartoonist.

rachelle said...

Ben, I have an Archie comic that ends with Archie hiding in a tree while Mr Weatherbee is furiously hunting the streets for him holding a 2x4 piece of wood. At night.

There is so much wrong with that.

SallyP said...

Awww...this was sweet. Some day, Ethel, you will have your vengeance on Veronica.

I must admit however, that I DO like Reggie for some reason.

rachelle said...

Reggie and Guy Gardner? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you like...abrasive men.

FoldedSoup said...

That was awesome. While reading each panel, I was muttering several snarky comments under my breath, and when I went back to your between-panel write-ups ... lo and behold! We think alike. Spooky.

That is a great Archie story, no question.

Gloria said...

I'm with Ben and Johnny. I didn't remember who the artist was, but I always loved his work the most.

SallyP said...

Oh God, Rachelle...it's true!

Dr. Zaius said...

Thank you very much for posting this story. I loved it!

As I said to the Poobah:

Velma Dace Dinkley is definitely sweet
poor shipwrecked Mary Ann is always a treat

But I'll say it once, and then I'll say it again
I'll hold my breath and count to ten

I'll say it in a boat, and I'll say it in a tree
Betty Cooper is the girl for me!

(But don't tell Batgirl, OK?)

Mikoru said...

"Remember in that Return to Riverdale TV movie when Ethel turned out to be a supermodel? That was nice. She should date Dilton."

Maybe, but Dilton is destined for Moose. Well, once they both come out of the closet.

Viagra said...

Archie is not by far my favorite comic, it had it's moments but it just can't catch me. Perhaps been born in the late 80's has an effect on that.

Viagra versus Cialis said...

This comic is a classic, but I have to say it isn't my favorite. I have read better ones from Archie.

Veronica said...

Gosh, there is so much useful data above!

Anonymous said...

Sigh... The old "you're beautiful on the inside"... I love Ethel, I just think she could forget about that retard Jughead (frankly, he's got a secret crush for Betty, who's really a Mary Sue). Lovely story, I feel like punching Veronica for being a bitch and Betty for playing the goody-goody.