Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Rating the Super Hunks #1: Hal Jordan

A new weekly feature! How exciting! In the grand tradition of sexual exploitation in comic books, I'm going to devote a little time each week to selecting one superhero and measure how he stacks up in the sexy department. Actually, to be honest, I am not trying to make a statement at all here. I just want to talk about hotties.

I'm going to start with an easy one (Pun intended! Zing! Get it? Cause Hal's a slut!).

Hal Jordan, aka Green Lantern

Costume: Hal's skin-tight, capeless one-piece has long been the gold standard in attractive costuming. Hal may not have chosen his costume, but he can't mind how great his butt looks in it. Green, black and white is an undeniably fantastic colour combination. Topped off with a simple green eye-mask that doesn't mess his hair, Hal's costume may hide his identity, but it doesn't hide how damn fine he is.

Alter-Ego: Hal doesn't need to wear spandex to look good. Always well-dressed in simple, masculine basics like white shirts, khakis, and bomber jackets, he's got style that doesn't try too hard. Hal Jordan is cocky, playful and 100% all-man. And Hal Jordan is a great name, in the tradition of super heroes having two first names. Plus, he's the alleged bravest man on Earth. If only he could keep that ego in check.


Sexiness of Powers: Hal is useless without his ring, and even with it he's no good against anything yellow (usually). These weaknesses aside, Hal's power is only limited by his own imagination. If you don't think that's sexy, I can't help you.


Day Job: When he's not Green Lantern, Hal Jordan is a test pilot. And that's awesome.


Cons: Despite his appearance of being head-strong and free-willed, Hal is essentially the Guardians' bitch. As a result, he's a very busy guy, always darting about the galaxy with little time for dinner dates. We can also assume that he's tapped a considerable amount of interplanetary ass, Shatner-style, so the possibility of alien STDs is a real concern.

More than a little conceited and, well, dumb, Hal might be a tiresome long-term companion, but he'd make a great one-night stand. With proper protection. There was also that unfortunate psychotic and homicidal episode a few years back, but if the JLA can forgive him, who am I to judge?

- 5 points

Final Score: 31 points out of 40

Not bad, Hal!

We'll have to wait and see how next week's Super Hunk measures up!


Anonymous said...

"We can also assume that he's tapped a considerable amount of interplanetary ass, Shatner-style, so the possibility of alien STDs is a real concern."


--txjlq, date without fear

Anonymous said...

Star Sapphire and her glowing vagina (see: http://comicsfairplay.blogspot.com/2007/03/is-this-gratuitous-green-lantern-18.html) might not like you eyeing Hal's goods.

Not that I would ever think that you couldn't whup Carol Ferris.

Jennifer said...

I...am not sure I can wait a whole week to see the next installment in this series.

Niiiiice picture of Hal in civvies! And good analysis of the hotness of the GL costume. *ahem* Yes, the psychotic break is a little offputting, but hey, he can probably keep himself together for one hot night...

rachelle said...

I wish this post looked as sexy as Hal. It's a real mess. I have been frigging with it all night.

FoldedSoup said...

Cue Sally. Can't wait.

(great idea.. love to see the girl's perspective.)

Anonymous said...

Hal is a Mimbo, A male bimbo.

- Seinfeld

- Lauren

SallyP said...


Oh Rachelle, you have certainly picked a fine horse, bursting first out of the gate in your new endeavor.

Ah Hal. What can I say? Sexy AND stupid, but his magnificent hindquarters more than make up for the fact that he's more likely to give himself a concussion on any given day. Plus, he has that whole "Test Pilot" and leather bomber jacket mystique going for him. The big brown eyes and curling forelock of hair don't hurt either.

Of course, he's not as sexy as Guy Gardner, but very few men are. And he doesn't cry nearly as much as Superman.

chrishaley said...

Are you wasting the court's time rating the super-hunks?

Also, you're one of the coolest people ever for the postal parcel I received.
I'm going to have to come up with something grand to make it up to you.
Feel free to drop hints.

Skeleton Munroe said...

Next do the Creeper!

Or Blue Devil!

rachelle said...

Maybe I'll do Parasite...

Caleb said...

Yay! Awesome new future! I look forward to future installments, and seeing how all the gents stack up against one another (I have a feeling Superman and Batman are gonna end up at the top of the heap though...they don't call 'em the World's Finest for nothing!)

I really despise Hal Jordan's personality; next to Hawkman, he's the superhero I would most like to drop an anvil on. But I read his book every month. Don't know what it is that keeps me following him despite my hatred of him.

jake! said...

Eh, Hal was always the stuffier of the hard-travelin' heroes. Now Green Arrow, there's a fella that could give me the vapors!

rachelle said...

I'd drive across America with those two any day.

SallyP said...

Hey, Rachelle! Did you read the one where Ollie and Hal are wrestling in the water and stuff?

*fans herself and swoons*

Viagra said...

The original Green Lantern. I've always wanted a ring like his. for some reason i never got the chance to get one, either i forget (typical of me) or i have no money the day i see one.

viagra online said...

hahaha why you don't rate some comic con girls ? it would be nice for us. Seriously!

Leather Bombers Jackets said...

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