Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Rating the Super Hunks #3: Batman

I was going to hold off on this one, but I've decided that now was as good a time as any to rate Batman. Why not raise the bar a little? Hal could stand to be taken down a peg.

So here we go with this week's super hunk:

Batman, aka Bruce Wayne

Costume/Appearance: It's hard to say that Batman's costume is sexy, exactly. If he's going to lose points, it's going to be here. I mean...it's got pointy ears. But he makes it work somehow. It's all about confidence. He believes he looks awesome, and therefore we believe he looks awesome. And confidence is the sexiest thing a man can wear (I think I read that in GQ).

There have been a whole lot of variations on the Batsuit over the years. Is there one that is sexiest? As much as I love the grey and blues, the black and grey really is the more attractive suit. But I'm not here to get into a whole debate about what Batman's best outfit is. I'm here to rate him on a scale of one to forty based on how hunky he is.

Batman is in excellent shape. There aren't a lot of men who can pull off that look, but he works it with his hot body. Shame the mask covers his ruggedly handsome face. I think extra points should be awarded for the fact that he makes his own costumes and accessories.

And I do like those gloves.


Alter-ego: The only thing hotter than Batman is Bruce Wayne. You want to argue with me on that, you will lose. First of all, he's a billionaire. Secondly, he's sad inside. Thirdly, he's, like, the smartest person on Earth. And fourthly, he's, like, the hottest guy on Earth (not mentioned nearly enough in JLA profiles).
Dark hair and blue eyes: always a solid combination. Add a square jaw and a perfect body, and you've got yourself a damn good-looking man.
Bruce Wayne has proven himself to be good with children, and makes a good father figure to younger heroes as well. Sure, there's that whole Jason Todd fiasco, but at least Bruce took a chance on the kid that was stealing his hubcaps. He's nice like that.
Bruce is a good actor. He has an array of costumes and can fool anyone. I admire that.
Now, personality-wise, yeah. Bruce is kind of...withdrawn. A little cranky. He's got some guilt issues to work out. He may walk the thin line between sane and totally nuts (though I believe he's closer to the sane side). One could even argue that he's taken the whole Batman thing a little far, but you're not gonna hear that argument from me.

I mean, look at how Bruce Wayne asks ladies out on dates:

And speaking of which, Bruce Wayne is a hit with the ladies across the globe. I like a superhero who takes time to get a little sugar.

Also: he can kick your ass. While drinking a mug of coffee. And he will not spill a drop.


Sexiness of Superpowers: According to my packet of Batman Hot Chocolate, Batman's super power is that he has trained himself to the peak of human physical and mental perfection. I have no choice but to award that a...


Day Job:
Bruce Wayne is a jet-setting billionaire industrialist and philanthropist. Sure, sometimes he goes a little crazy and uses his limitless funds to build things like, say, scary satellites that can kill people from space. And maybe sometimes those satellites turn against him. But when he's not doing that, he's just a sexy man who dresses well and has a big pile of money.

Cons: What? There is nothing wrong with Batman or Bruce Wayne at all. Not one single flaw.

Alright, he doesn't have a great track record with relationships, and he tends to be attracted to sexy female career criminals.
And he has been known to make...unfortunate mistakes...that sometimes lead to mass destruction. And he has a hard time admitting these mistakes.

And he has a bit of a temper.

And he...kinda...dresses like a giant bat and throws bat-shaped objects at people. And drives around in a bat-shaped car. And flies a bat-shaped plane. And pilots a bat-shaped boat. And has bat-shaped tracking devices. That doesn't mean he's...like, crazy or anything.

Did I mention he has nice hair?

Alright fine. I'll knock a point off.

- 1

Final Score: 37/40

Ladies and gentlemen we have a new champion! (Was there really any doubt?)


Skeleton Munroe said...

It's good to see him celebrating his high score.

*sigh* Solomon Grundy? Batroc the Leaper?


Jon Hex said...

When the ladies say Batman swept them off their feet, he swept them off their feet!

Anonymous said...

How cute does Bruce Wayne look when he's all crouched up by the intercom? The answer is "very".

rachelle said...

Bruce looks incredibly cute next to that intercom. He's all tuckered out from doing all those handstand push-ups. Oh, how he loves to multi-task.

Jonathan: Batroc the Leaper!! Oh lord.

Maybe one day I'll do a super-villain special edition or something. I mean, there are some pretty hunky villains. Uh...Magneto?

Anonymous said...

Whoo go Bruce!! Is Wally ever going show up for your super hunk rating?

Anonymous said...

I'm going to second a vote for a wally hunk rating and not just because i was discussing the need for it on aim with the person who suggested it ^_^

Woot bruce you enjoy your high score!!!

rachelle said...

I would say that Wally is a solid candidate for super-hunkery. Certainly the sexiest Flash. I'll make an effort to rate him soon.

Anonymous said...

I attempted to cover the opposite side of the argument:

Top Ten Reasons Batman Would Be a Bad Boyfriend

But you do make some good points...

SallyP said...

Batman a super hunk? Meh. I give some solid points to Bruce Wayne, the black hair/blue eyes are indeed a plus, as is his incredible jawline, but Batman himself just leaves me cold for some reason.

The pointy ears really are ridiculous, and the utility belt would probably be too bulky. I do give him some points for the cape...it is a VERY nice cape, and he can do all kinds of neat swirly, dramatic things with it. All the Bat-themed gizmos though are a little...lame.

And say what you will, Hal Jordan ha a better ass.

Caleb said...

The only downside I could see to dating Batman is his his obsession with making things bat-shaped and/or having a bat-logo on him. I could totally see him saying, "Hey Rachelle, ready to-- Hey, where's your Bat-Rachelle costme I made for you?"

And is there a sexiest Batman costume? Hell yeah there is! There's Shirtless Batman from all his Ra's Al Ghul Adventures. You know, the ones where he wears his whole costume--except his shirt and cape?

rachelle said...

Sallyp: Sure, we could sit here and debate all day who has the better ass, but...actually. Yeah. Let's do that.

Caleb: And, of course, the best variation on the chillin' with Ra's Al Ghul costume is in the recent Grant Morrison series when we see a brief flash back to Batman and Talia doin' it. He's wearing NOTHING but the mask. Fantastic!

april said...

hahaha! oh my, great reading. great reading, indeed.

i love how batman is SO cool that he actually LIES about working out. damn.

i maintain that batman/bruce wayne is far-and-above the sexiest superhero out there. and anyone who says otherwise? well, they're just...wrong. damn personal opinions to hell!

SallyP said...

Rachelle, speaking of asses...I made a little present for Ragnell on my site a couple of days ago.

No Batman, but PLENTY of GL's.

Hee hee.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you are still reading late comments, but I just found my way to this blog, also I've been just getting into DCverse, and I'm dying to know from which bat issues did you take of those Bruce Wayne pictures? Because those are *gorgeous* and I completely fail to find them.

rachelle said...

Howdy! I'll happily tell you where each of those panels are from. In order:

1. the Batman Adventures special, Mad Love, with art by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm
2. the Dave Gibbons/Steve Rude World's Finest mini series.
3. Matt Wagner's 'Trinity'
4. Batman #664 (I think) with art by Andy Kubert
5. Hush, with art by Jim Lee
6. Batman/Grendel by Matt Wagner
7. Lex Luthor Man of Steel with art my Lee Bermejo
8. Batman/Grendel again
9. Hush again
10. Batman Adventures #13 (art by Rick Burchett)
11. Cover of Detective Comics #828 by Simone Bianchi
12. An issue from the Bruce Jones run on Legends of the Dark Knight (art by Ariel Olivetti). I can't remember the exact issue, but it's somewhere between #207-210, I believe.

Anonymous said...

Gosh I love you. *g*

Thomas said...

Batman is the best comic character.I was always admired the style of the Batman , the way he wear his costumes , accessories and the transport thanks for the article

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Why am I not surprised he got that score? Not only we all know you have a crush on Batman, but he is also the best character in DC universe, the only one that can be compared with him WOLVERINE

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