Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Bride of Batman

My new comics were delayed until today because of St Jean Baptiste Day in Quebec. Stupid Quebec. So to fill the void, I give you one of the greatest comics ever...

It is, of course, an imaginary story. Which means I don't have to kill Lois out of jealousy.

So our story starts with Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson getting ready for a costume party (oh, Silver Age. How I love you and your daily masquerade balls).

Bruce Wayne has a secret...a creepy secret:

I love his Bluebeard-style forbidden room that's full of mannequins and gifts. I love that he bought her a tiara...and shoes. In fact, there is nothing about this room that screams "straight" to me. "Oh I just buy pretty gowns and jewels and furs...for Lois. I'll never give them to her, but I assure you, they are for her and I do not just routinely go shopping for women's clothing and accessories and come in here and try them on."

Ok, so we've established that Bruce Wayne is even crazier than we thought he was. Let's move on to that costume ball.

Awwww. Poor Bruce. But I 100% approve of his costume choice. After seeing that room, though, I kinda expected him to show up as Jackie O.

Lois is at the party as Joan of Arc. And she actually brings a horse with her as part of the costume. Because she's stupid. Of course, the horse gets spooked. Bruce Wayne to the rescue!

*sigh* Whatta man.

Lois must have spent a fortune on that horse armor.

So Superman shows up with Wonder Woman after some sort of mission, and Lois gets all angry when he says they have to leave again for another crisis.

Mod Amazon? Fantastic!

Bruce Wayne was never one to miss an opportunity:

Why not, indeed, Lois? And look at the fun you're going to have together:

Bruce Wayne: Barrel of Fun.

Bruce and Lois continue courting...with sexy results (this is where I get really jealous):

Argh! So jealous! But...Lois is pretty awesome:

Hee! (Wait...what is Bruce wearing around his neck?!).

So now they're engaged, and Bruce decides to break the news to his best buddy Superman. The entire next page is AMAZING:

Holy smokes. First of all...does anyone not have a creepy shrine devoted to Lois? Secondly...Superman is smashing that bust of Lois in the face with his fist! I'm terrified! And the sobbing! Oh, Superman, pull yourself together. After have a wedding to go to:


Lois, by the way, does not know that Bruce Wayne = Batman. That's a little something Bruce likes to pull out for the wedding night:

That panel of him swinging her around is very cute. As is the one below, with the GIANT DIAGRAM OF HIS SECRET CAVE.

The thing I really like about all of this is how happy Lois is. She's such a superhero fangirl. Bruce Wayne was a pretty good husband...but Batman?! Outstanding!

Superman isn't the only one who's jealous:

Stop lurking around the newlyweds, creepy! What are you hoping to see? I do love what he's thinking, though. (Jimmy Olsen knows Batman's secret? That's a blow).

Eventually Bruce Jr is born, which Robin is also not too happy about:

I love the "Cool it, Robin."

The purpose is to train the toddler as a crimefighter. I'm serious. If you weren't already concerned about Batman's sanity and his tendency to place minors in harm's way, you should be now.

Robin is stone pissed about turning the duo into a trio, until Batman asks him to be the kid's teacher:

Wow. Lois is in on this plan, eh? That's kinda surprising.

In that second panel I love the giant close-up of Batman's nose, and Robin saying "It swings!"

Things start to go wrong in the second half of the story. Lois gets kidnapped and nearly driven mad by crooks who want to know Batman's secret identity. I just think this next set of panels is awesome-looking:

Nice, Lois. Real nice. What did Clark ever do to you? You couldn't have said "Lex Luthor?"

The story continues in a direction that I cannot possibly explain. Just to give you some idea of how far off the rails it gets, this is a later panel:

Anyway, the whole thing ends like this:

"Boy was I wrong!"
"You sure were, friend! Her life is totally in danger!"
"Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
"Ha Ha Ha Ha!"


Johnathan said...

Dude! Bruce Wayne took Lois on a date while wearing the Phantom Stranger's clothes!

FoldedSoup said...

Start to finish, that's gotta be the most fashion-riffic issue ever put out. I mean, you got the costume party, Go Go Wonder Woman, several rooms full of costumed mannequins, a wedding, Toddler Batman, a Matador, and that endless parade of Lois' outfits. Amazing.

The Frumious Bandersnatch said...

I love that the secret batcave diagram for some reason includes a dinosaur on the lowest level, the trophy room.

FoldedSoup said...

That creepy Lois shrine Bruce had gave me an idea...


Caleb said...

And I love how determined Batman Jr. looked in that panel of him walking into the cave. The kid's just out of diapers, wearing the tiniest shorts I've ever seen, and he still looks totally bad-ass.

klew said...

I wonder if Lois ever found Batman's secret shrine, or if, over the years, he gave her all the stuff he had stored in there.

rachelle said...

I doubt Lois ever got those "gifts". Those shoes were totally bought in Bruce's size.

Daniel said...

I thought everyone had a Lois shrine.


SallyP said...

Yes, doesn't everyone REALLY have a Lois shrine...somewhere? Not me of course...but gosh darn it, she is SUCH a snappy dresser. And so is Bruce. *snicker*

It was so appropriate for him to attend the costume party in a skirt! And whatever happened to Lois's horse? Bruce took her home, so I assume it is still probably swimming in the pool.

The ending is a little ambiguous. So, Lois is in danger eh? I guess we'll find her stuffed corpse in the Shrine in the sequel.

Jon Hex said...

That diagram of the cave was in Who's Who, making it canon. I like how Robin thiks Alfred wasn't in on Bats' secret till after Dick got there. Whatever makes you feel special, dude.

And Jimmy Olsen? Now Countdown makes sense.

rachelle said...

Some (stupid) versions of canon have Alfred showing up at Wayne Manor after Robin was already there. He just shows up one day with some crazy story about how it is his family duty to be their butler, whether they like it or not.

I don't know if this story was written after that version of canon or not.

Adam said...

Wow. I think this was the best comic I've read this week (and I've read some good stuff). Okay, so maybe you skipped over this part, but how is it that the bad guys know that Lois knows who Batman is? Is it because he was "supposed" to be Bruce's best man? And are they trying to tell me that everyone just accepts that Bruce's best man is Batman and his backup is Superman? What about Dick? Is he chopped liver? I mean he lives with the guy. I gotta get my hands on this book so I can revel in its simple beauty as well as ponder its intricate plot lines every day for the rest of my life.

Siskoid said...

All the women actually in his life in GIANT BATMAN. Huh-huh, did he title that himself?

Viagra said...

How many side stories are there? Besides the fact that Bruce has all that female clothing in storage, that Robin was jealous of Lois... How many more hints to we need? said...

Really helpful data, lots of thanks for the post.