Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Rating the Super Hunks #4: Captain America

A very special memorial edition of Rating The Super Hunks.

Captain America, aka Steve Rogers

Costume/Appearance: I'm not saying that Cap's costume isn't great, I'm just saying it isn't sexy. At all. I mean, seriously.

It looks like he's about to get shot out of a cannon.

From the swashbuckling bright red boots to the little wings coming out of his head, this suit is a total nightmare in terms of hotness. He really does look ridiculous. My favourite thing about it is the way he wears his giant heavy shield on his back. That's very manly.

He's got a great body, no question, but this is just not the way to decorate it. Superman looks at this suit and says "Wow. That's a tacky costume. You've gotta tone that shit down."

That said, I love how seeing the suit always makes Americans in the comics swell with pride to the point that it brings tears to their eyes. And, honestly, I sort of feel it too. And I'm Canadian.

But it's still not sexy.

3/10

Alter-Ego: Steve Rogers is not a lot of fun.

He's a military man, through and through, and he doesn't crack a lot of jokes. He does have a blind, naive patriotism that is very charming, though. He also has an adorable fish-out-of-water thing going for him, in that he lived most of his life in the 1930s, and still clings a little to those days.
He's got a sweet, government-supplied apartment. And a big record collection. He likes big band swing music (again, adorable). His clothing is simple, and he's often sporting a tight, white t-shirt. Always a good choice.

He's a square-jawed, blue-eyed rugged all-American with a no-nonsense haircut. I'm sure some people are into that, but it doesn't really do it for me. He's reasonably dreamy, but not Bruce Wayne dreamy. Or even Ted Kord dreamy. He does have excellent taste in women though. And he's a fearless, noble hero who selflessly defends the lives of others. I guess that's pretty sexy.

6/10

Day Job: Captain America's day job is...being Captain America. At least nowadays. I liked it in the late 70s/early 80s when he was a graphic designer. It's just so amusing that Captain frigging America would have to find time to finish ad proofs. I also just liked that he happened to be a good drawer. It had nothing to do with his powers. Like, Clark Kent is a reporter because it suits his Superman lifestyle. Ditto with Peter Parker. But Captain America as a designer? That job would just be a pain in the ass.

But he's not a graphic designer anymore, unfortunately. He's a full-time hero.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I'm going to give him a 5 out of 10 on this one because I can't decide if not having a day job is good or bad.

5/10

Sexiness of Powers: Captain America was chemically altered during WWII to be the "perfect man" (crazy scientist guy's words, not mine). He's strong, fast, smart, tough, and agile. These are all good things. He also can throw a giant heavy shield like a boomerang, ride a motorcycle like nobody's business, and surf on a fighter jet.

Really, you can't argue that Cap's powers aren't sexy. He's pretty much fully loaded with perfect traits and abilities.
Yup. That's gonna earn him a solid ten.

10/10

Cons: Well...he's dead. That's a definite minus. Actually, I'm going to overlook that little detail. Particularly because his last words were so dreamy:

And female comic readers the world over swooned and fainted.

I don't think Cap's going to lose too many points here. I mean, sure, he's no fun at all, and he did kind of bitch out at the end of Civil War, but he really doesn't have many glaring flaws. Other than being dead and all. Sometimes he even loosens up a little:

With sexy results!

I'll take off one point for being boring.

- 1

Final Score: 23/40

Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, even in a super-sexy picture like this, he still looks pretty silly:

19 comments:

chrishaley said...

Is it wrong that I think these are fun?

chrishaley said...

Oh, also, don't forget, today is Batman's 68th birthday!
Celebrationing over here.

Caleb said...

Well, the goofy little wingtips must be kinda good for, um, kissing handles, right? I could totally see Sharon grabbing him by the wings and pulling him close for good hard kiss, you know? Sharon, or Tony. One.

rachelle said...

Tony has at least thought about it.

Every night.

Derek said...

"Or even Ted Kord dreamy."

And when is this Rating coming up? I really want to see what Ted scores, especially now that you've set precedent that you don't take points away for being dead.

I'm still having trouble coming to grips with Cap's costume score. I'm a straight man, so I can't really question your Rating, but I think Cap's costume is pretty damn cool.

Ah well. You're the expert. *grins*

Johnathan said...

Yeah, rate Ted.

How do you like that? I made a serious suggestion!

Plastic Man, too!

Hot damn! two in a row!

Captain Canuck! Man-Bat! Snapper Carr!

RC said...

captain america definitly has a dorky costume.

but how cool can you make a costume when your using the american flag as it's inspiration.

certainly captain canada wouldn't look any cooler.

plok said...

I dunno, I thought Byrne's Vindicator design was pretty snazzy...and eerily reminiscent of real government insignia...

And it's Captain Canuck, damnit.

(Uh...I confess to being curious how Man-Bat would rate, actually...)

Johnathan said...

Captain Canuck's costume is similar to Captain America's but benefits from a simpler colour scheme:

http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/c/cpcanuk2.htm

I was going to say that Hauptmann Deutschland had a more ridiculous costume than Cap but I actually think that it's kind of rad.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hauptmann_Deutschland

Roy said...

The flag themed costume seems like it'd be pretty tough to pull off (I tend to think that any costume that uses more than two major colors is pretty tough to pull off, though). Cap's costume is kind of cool, but I wouldn't ever think to call it sexy. But, come on, Union Jack? Hello? I'd take that over Cap's costume any day (and it even uses similar gloves and boots!)

Or, maybe Captain Britain?

There aren't many flag themed costumes that I can think of, anyway.

SallyP said...

Oh. Oh my. Yes, Cap is very handsome, with his blonde hair, blue eyes, and soldierly bearing, he's honest, loyal, and helps little old ladies across the street and so on, but I just can't think of him as sexy.

To paraphrase "Back to the Future", it would be like kissing your brother. That and the fact that while you were slobbering over him, he'd be thinking about ways to take out Nazis.

Anonymous said...

1602 Captain America however is very *very* sexy.

Richard said...

Well, it wasn't just female comics readers who swooned and fainted.

Ah... I'm a sucker for romance.

Anonymous said...

whatever Captain America should get a 40/40 he's like the sexiest thing EVER!!! if he was real i would sooooooo marry him!!!

Ren said...

I LOVE CAP!!!!!!!!!!! He's awesome.... seeing as i'm also Canadian there's just something about him that get my engine roaring if you know what i mean!!! lol but nuff said he is awesome :) Love him in Ultimates as well.... :D

Viagra said...

Captain America is an Icon, nothing much to say. The all American pride in the suit has never been part of the reasons i like him but well... no one is perfect

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The Capitan america it's the best I really like this character, it's awesome.

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The author is absolutely right, and there is no question.

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